is it okay to face fuck a pb&j during a funeral if you’re about to pass out because you haven’t eaten your hourly pb&j and now you’re getting the pb&j withdrawal sweats
07.03.2026 03:47
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*races to airport
*hurdles through security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*she turns and sees me
*romantic music swells
“I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”
07.03.2026 02:55
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I actually think porn is awesome.
07.03.2026 03:53
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🔁 10
💬 4
📌 0
Panty Shields of the Americas.
05.03.2026 20:00
👍 21
🔁 6
💬 2
📌 0
The Moon is up there all the time you know.
06.03.2026 05:44
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💬 5
📌 0
Do you think rhinos fantasize about making love to unicorns the same way men fantasize about making love to supermodels ?
07.03.2026 03:22
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This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers
06.03.2026 14:21
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Who called it 3-in-1 body wash and not "lavage à trois"?
02.03.2026 14:58
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Guys don't like it when you call their penis a manhandle. Booo
06.03.2026 19:42
👍 85
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📌 1
“I should have forwarded that chain letter”
-me, at every small inconvenience
07.03.2026 01:55
👍 28
🔁 7
💬 1
📌 0
I'd be lucky if I was able to rock someone like a mild tropical depression.
07.03.2026 01:43
👍 25
🔁 10
💬 1
📌 0
Nothing is scarier than a half deflated balloon drifting around the room.
Nothing.
06.03.2026 17:10
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Bout to get wild and not set an alarm for tomorrow!
06.03.2026 04:26
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📌 1
Technically both
07.03.2026 01:30
👍 1
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is The Human Centipede part of the Marvel or DC universe?
06.03.2026 17:05
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💬 1
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To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?
06.03.2026 14:42
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Look, I am going to need speakerphone to go away. Don't tell me you have no idea how ear buds or headphones work. If you use speakerphone out loud, people hate you. Same with keyboard clicky clacks. Are you a fictional cow trying to get heated blankets in the barn at the farm? Turn that shit off
06.03.2026 16:11
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[handing my date her special home cooked meal] they snap, crackle AND pop, Denise
06.03.2026 12:57
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The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.
06.03.2026 22:33
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No I don’t know what it means either, just run with it.
06.03.2026 22:57
👍 25
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📌 0
me: I’ll just lie down for 5 minutes
my body: ok we will now enter a mysterious state that is worse than sleep but also not rest
06.03.2026 23:02
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as the dalai lama once said: give a wham give a bam but don’t give a damn
06.03.2026 19:17
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new murder weapon for Clue: the pizza cutter
06.03.2026 17:56
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I hope my kids are looking forward to inheriting microplastics because at this rate that's all I'm going to have to leave for them
04.03.2026 03:53
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💬 1
📌 0
I like to use my highly-collaborative cross functional team building skills for evil
04.03.2026 19:04
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💬 1
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Recruiters be like "I noticed that you have 20+ years of experience in your field- would you be interested in a job that doesn't pay well enough to ever buy a home or comfortably pay bills?"
06.03.2026 02:45
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Gunna go get me a suicide sauce
06.03.2026 15:50
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📌 0
It’s Friday. I don’t trust it.
06.03.2026 13:58
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💬 3
📌 1
We don’t talk enough about Norman Bate’s prowess with a mop. That fellow could clean a floor
06.03.2026 17:57
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I hope that someday those Kraft singles find love.
06.03.2026 17:25
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