Laura H

dinner of champions

the number of phone calls i’ve gotten in the last 48 hours from dudes wanting a last minute valentine’s day reservation is truly, truly insane and i thank god every day im gay.

if i ever fall into a vat of money, the first and only indicator that my circumstances have changed will be the reintroduction of an actual multi-story department store to my hometown, complete with fur vault, a little cafe in the middle, and in-house tailoring.

yr attn plz: conor oberst is the squonk. i will not be taking questions.

where are the old for trees ex-fleshers who were into bandom but not OF bandom and obsessed with Rufus Wainwright and Andrew Bird? Where is the 85k big bang fix it fic where Jeff Buckley didn’t go for a dip and wound up in a long term situationship with Rufus that spanned continents and genres?

whoever came up with dry january, ur mom’s a ho

i have already re-downloaded duolingo and completed my first lesson in dutch. right on schedule.

also have bought a pack of camel crushes and got myself waitlisted for a local pole fitness class so yknow. place your bets now on whether an ill-advised tattoo or a small home baking enterprise is next.

in the aftermath of not getting the job, am now fantasizing about getting a pixie cut, so am really taking the rejection in stride and not spiraling at all

p sure i didn’t choke but also did not get the job. but that’s okay, i can reapply and now know what to expect if i get to this stage again.

but also 😞

bah you know what would make this more awesome is if i had my WIFE here that would be fucking cool as hell gdi

oh so atlanta is fun

i’m here for a job interview that i might choke idk but i had a nice dinner and no one can take that away from me

I don’t go a week without thinking about that Dinosaurs episode where they ceremonially throw their elders into a tar pit.

encouraging @lllookalive.bsky.social in their fire-making efforts by blasting disco inferno

good deed of the day: introducing a Richmond lawyer (down here for a hearing) to the phrase “went so far left, i got my guns back” bc he had a DSA sticker and a gun range sticker on his water bottle.

Anyway, come be my sort-of neighbor! (We live 5 mins down the road.) The folks who used to live here had the fattest, happiest chickens y’ever did see, so you better get chickens if you buy it.

thing i’m mad about today: the phrase “candlestick holder”

just as bad as saying chai tea latte. THE CANDLESTICK IS THE CANDLEHOLDER. IT IS THE STICK FOR THE CANDLE. YOUR CANDLE IS NOT A STICK. FFS

one of my favorite pastimes: trying to peer pressure Big City Friends into moving to appalachia

do you want me to spam you with real estate listings that will BLOW YOUR MIND? apply within!

one small thing I love about current gig is getting to tell tourists NOT to go to the nearby brunch spot that gamifies google reviews and has hilariously toxic management (even by industry standards).

it’s the little things.

at the new gig (i got a new gig doing everything at a boutique hotel downtown) and everyone FOH has told me that everyone else has a raging ❄️ problem. like, still? in THIS economy? hell yeah 💰💰💰

BLUE SOUP 😭😭😭😭

WHAT WAS THAT MAN DOING IN THE SUDAN. I ASK YOU. WHAT UN EVERLOVING GAY FUCK.

also as a very close call survivor of a UK-based relationship, i can attest to the accuracy of not one of bridget’s peer group suggesting she go to therapy for her beloved spouse’s untimely death

i have this whole theory that i may have been born a geriatric millennial but the circumstances of my having been born a rural queer geriatric millennial basically make me so old i was an original SNL cast member

WE ARE NICOLE AND RUBY THANK YOU GOODBYE

#inadvertenthaiku

also it has made
me crave a cigarette like none other so if you’ll excuse me

twenty YEARS ffs

anyway that movie is heinous and has aged like milk LIKE ME so i love it dearly

also tonight i made my wife watch Waiting… (which is TWENTY TEARS OLD THIS YEAR) bc i have been referencing it weekly for the last…well, two decades tbh

well anyway i watched (trans: sobbed through) the last bridget jones movie and will forever be UPSET at the blue cocktails. unfair. unjust. have i not suffered enough. etc

i’m just saying, I would watch the hell out of that 8-episode Marvel show.

because BOY HOWDY IF I WERE SUDDENLY SIX FEET TALL, INSANELY STRONG, AND ESSENTIALLY IMMORTAL, i would have a [redacted] list TEN FEET LONG, WITH NAMES GETTING CROSSED OUT DAILY

add time travel to the mix? i would be feared as a vengeful god for eons