two or three pals

the torture porn dungeon is in the room with us... right now... ahhh... haunted house actor job application....

i'm literally fine like i'm literally so fucking cool actually

BOY GO GET BACK IN YOUR TORTURE PORN DUNGEON. GET. GET.

narcissistic-ass curse my dad gave me. anyways.

i'm also rotating actual bullshit around in my mind and examining the topography this much because my first time with a genuinely good-for-me group of friends did some weird shit to me and forced those friends to cross paths with aforementioned actual bullshit before i knew what to do with it. so.

now what?
live, duh.
what does that entail?
i dunno, enjoying anything you haven't done yet???
but the internet already gave me those experiences. the real-life world didn't enjoy me enough to hold my attention away from spoilers.

sometimes i feel like therapy took all the milestones that were supposed to be spread across my life and crammed them into my first 30 years.

A flower:∆
#ghostandpals #sketch #fanart

I don't know how to draw Greg or Stephanie #ghostandpals #palsart #communications #fanart

i'm gonna be so real with you guys. the story was set in the 1950s and that woman had been getting gaslit by the world itself regarding the burdens she was carrying for 30 years ongoing at that point. i don't think she would've ever gotten to know what a sexuality even was before croaking. 🫡

ya

yes 👍 in the context of the person he is during the story's setting, he IDs as aro-homosexual because he's an unloved young-adult with a disorganized attachment style - he just wants to get caught up on social experience without too much commitment; as opposed to his peers with better childhoods.

they wrote the first half of trust fall (beginning ~ first chorus) before diagnosis; everything after that was post-Dx + education on the disorder. which was great! except for the part where they thought that the only problems and issues we have are self-hatred!!! @___@

i also wrote it because our second host REALLY wanted to finish trust fall, but it was a song about meeting me from their POV and - at least imo - it was insanely infantilizing/dismissive. we agreed that trust fall could be uploaded as long as i got to be petty about it in response LMAO.

this was jarring as fuck to me, because i had always assumed that the selfhood would be returned to them. i'm still getting used to being here. so i wrote covetous as i started looking for the ability to forgive myself for "what i did to kill myself."

e.g. i wrote covetous about how i "killed" one of our hosts. alter death isn't literally real, but once our system learned that persecutors have an integral POV in our story, the host who identified with our body & legal name effectively "retired" from hosting & transferred to being a trauma holder.

all of my music is written during bursts of self-love, or at LEAST self-alliance when the subject matter is something that's difficult to love myself for. i don't really know how else to describe it.

friday fun fact: part two: re: the swirly agate pattern: i was trying to recreate the hallucinations i get when our trauma holders get in touch with the more present-day-grounded side of the system. usually i can only see it with my eyes closed, but there's been a few vivid eyes-open instances.

friday fun fact: i put a brick wall of "ignore it" at the end of covetous but the swirly agate pattern made youtube absolutely DEMOLISH the text into compression artifacts (poetic).

Deathbody

#ghostandpals #palsart

this is what silent hill 2 is about. thank you.

smoking weed is what converts the false wife into the true wife.

UGH. MWAH.

sometimes my partner and i *still* talk about the symbolisms and how they really make dialogues count and how well it emotes the sheer panic of "i can't talk to anyone about this;" you're left to assume anya's experiencing the same kind of panic by connecting the dots in her self-isolative behavior

i don't think i had this bsky account at the time but i played mouthwashing when it first came out and ohhh. ooohhhuuu

finally getting around to reading saya no uta but it hits oddly-specifically close enough to home that i am microdosing that thing

feels bad to dramapost but i'm still mad at myself for placating that shit for so long.

can i not look at fanart in PEACE without seeing BLATANT queerphobia and ableism every time oh my god.

saw some of my fans trying to call me out for having been friends with umber because he was hornyposting on his personal twitter account back in ~2017, which reminded me of when i got called out for being homophobic for labeling kennith as an aro-homosexual. like, y'all are STILL on this shit???