stefan

Thought I was posting to my drafts this whole time. Oopsies.

large replica skeleton with jeans edited on it. the skeleton is standing in a fenced off yard

do not come for my ass

I'm sorry I led you on, but that was the only way I could get someone to check me for ticks.

My midlife crisis involves me getting tooth gems.

I’m not trying to be controversial when I say this…

Citizen Kane

I fucking HATED having to watch it in college and then write an analysis on it

It's just a little town around you with the scientific definition of an aura, and if an actual ice cream parlor on a main street can't verify it then it's not inspiring your nostalgic emanating utopia anyhow

remember that age where you post song lyrics all the time? we need to get back to that as a society

I asked Claude™️ how to replace capitalism with socialism and it called ICE on me

how long until the bodies in the closet become skeletons? asking for a friend

Exfoliating with the spiciest packet of ramen seasoning I could find.

whenever he's staring off like that, it's because he sees the ghost of j edgar hoover in the crowd scowling at him

If caring too much about committing evil reprehensible crimes is a crime, then yeah, I guess you can say he’s guilty.

why are taters the only thing we’ve totted

What about a platypus?

U guys think it would hurt if a bird pecked ur dick??

As a country we simply love to fuck around and truly believe we will never find out

Fun thing to think about very briefly: who currently has better lawyers, the United States or Nintendo

well i hope filling up the car today gets me through the next year or two

if you play me the world's smallest violin i'll push you into the world's biggest canyon. please continue.

If I said "his actions and statements are those of a man with a perpetually unwashed ass", who do you think I'm referencing?

The Onion meme where a person labeled “Sickos” is outside a window says “yes hahaha … Yes” but it’s a photo of mark zuckerburg wearing Meta Glasses. The subtext is that Meta glasses bring up concerned of use by stalkers, predators, and for other socially unacceptable behaviors.

Neopet Sematary

say what you will about me but I would never date a guy named Dylan

Back in the early days of Bluesky, there was a bot that would pop up in conversations whenever someone mentioned kidney stones, to recommend a kidney stone treatment. I was always intrigued by how that business model was a bit peculiar and hyper-specific.

I got babadooked got one living in my house now and it won't leave no matter how much trauma I resolve or how many rocks I throw at it

a gram is short for "grandma" because she knows how to fuckin party

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

i think if dr seuss was alive to see such times he would have said fuck this shit but you know with rhymes

Waiting for the administration to say the spike in gas prices isn't actually a big deal because so many Americans are losing their jobs and won't have to drive to work anymore.

Letting an account I just followed smell my hand before I riff in their replies