Robo Justin (Now with New Car smell)

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

my new year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating

the worst part of going bald has to be letting go of your ratatouille fantasy

look i’m a normal guy, i like one scoop of vanilla ice cream, i sit in chairs cowgirl style, i’m just like you

A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

"Abandon hope all ye who enter here"

- current houseplants to the new ones

Then what happened

"Your bank account is lying to you" OK but that's the only economic indicator I care about

Gimmie a raise or you go timeout

Corn Dogocracy

Discovered today that the most insulting thing you can say about a pancake after "burned" and "hard" is "healthy"

Phone cases ate like little suits that your phone wears

Be honest, how would you rate me

The Department of Defense became The Department of War until it was actually time for war just like I was CEO Boss Lady Powerful Woman until it was time to do tough employee reviews and then I was just baby angel

Some argue that daylight savings is good. Some argue that daylight savings is bad. I would argue that whatever time of day it is... is none of my business.

bruno mars is called bruno ares in greece

My aunt shared some extremely old family marriage certificates & I found myself wondering about my grandparents lives. Then my own marriage certificate arrived. My heart swelled knowing someday relatives will find it, see the Halloween date & instantly know their ancestors were absolute weirdos.

You expect me to eat chia seeds?? The same seeds I use to grow my pets?

It's international women's day so if I've ever made you laugh you owe me an international woman

I can't find the button for that on venmo

Thinking of galavanting

Kerfuffling like a boss

SIR

Guess what, I painted my garbage can

being middle-aged means you get excited about new toothpaste

me: *googling symptoms*

webmd: you’re being murdered

murderer: see i told you

Dad: Where do you think you’re going?

Me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uhhh nowhere?

We can't both be Batman

I wasn't waving at you. I was waving at your canine love monster that neither of us deserve