Rudy Giuliani, Defense Lawyer

OW fuck

The Fourth Of July, Rethought (Ken White/The Popehat Report)

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Trump’s Press Secretary wants ABC to hold journalist @TerryMoran held accountable for telling the absolute truth about Stephen Miller.

So much for free speech.

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy: "Obviously, it is not standard to have aircraft collide. I want to be clear on that."

Where is my goddamned cabinet appointment? I destroyed my life to serve Trump and I am EASILY as much as an unqualified freak as any of these people

They can take my watches, they can take my rings, they can take my Mercedes that Lauren Bacal drove, they can take my lawyers, but they can NEVER TAKE MY DIGNITY, as I will explain on Steve Bannon’s podcast

Resolved: the Original Meaning of the pardons clause is that the President can pardon bankruptcies and defamation judgments

Do you think I can get Jonathan Turley to push this on Fox if I apologize for saying he looks like a desiccated Herman Munster

Whewwwwww

Finally checked out that 2025 Plan and there’s nothing in there about cousins. Relieved.

I can’t believe I have to give up my grandfather’s watch. That watch was first purchased by my great-grandfather during the first World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee. Made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. Up till then people just 1/45

New York? I have to go to New York? But it’s a total shithole

Ugh, have you ever been on a Zoom call where some guy just thinks he’s in charge and can run the meeting?

I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY 1980 MERCEDES? But Lauren Bacall once owned it! Do you know how many interns I have fingered in the back seat of that thing? I once ran over a homeless guy’s leg and the suspension handled it like butter! This SUCKS

Wait, wait wait wait. I got it.

You cannot prosecute a man in more than one jurisdiction for what is basically the same crime.

GENIUS.

What kind of assholes serve a man with a summons on his 80th birthday just because he trolled them a little bit

ISO ride to Arizona for . . . . a thing. Good companion, chatty, though may want to roll windows down. Please respond.

The Fifth Amendment protects my right not to list all of my assets in my bankruptcy petition. Alina Habba explained this to me.

ANOTHER lawsuit? What about double jeopardy?

OH COME ON

Question: is your attorney supposed to use all of his closing argument to say you’re a senile old asshole?

Thank God I’m not paying this guy

BOOORRRRRRINNNGGGGGG

Okay so it turns out that’s not what “Cyber Monday” means, my apologies to everyone on that joint defense Zoom

Trump has repeatedly and SAVAGELY attacked like TEN judges on social media but if I send just ONE judge a flip-phone foto of my dick it’s all of a sudden a “serious issue”

I can’t believe the Big Guy forgot to ask for a jury trial. A jury is like TWELVE people you can persuade, influence, and possibly hit on if they’re hot. All you have to do is get ONE and you’re home free and/or in for a fun weekend.

Ok. Wait. Which ones are suing me and which ones are being sued with me and which ones am I suing?

Does someone have an infographic?

Okay check this out. I have a great new idea for a defense:

You cannot arrest a lawyer and client for the same crime

Oh so NOW apparently “GETTING PAID” is more important to lawyers than “GETTING YOUR CLIENT OUT OF A LONG SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS.”

You can’t GAG Donald Trump! He’s not a law clerk!

Looks like my trial will be separate from that Cheesebrah guy and that lunatic Sydney Powell. Thank God. I mean I think I have a high tolerance for characters but that woman is an entire AHS season unto herself.

Why can’t I have a removal? I’m federal. I’m as federal as fuck.

Okay so I think I have our trial strategy. Here it is:

Blame Eric

It’s simple, it’s straightforward, NOBODY likes Eric. The Big Guy doesn’t even like saying his name. And he’s as charming as a rat. One look and the jury will buy he did it all.