Abstrusery

F||ck Coldplay.
We don’t need forced kiss cams rooting for infidelity at concerts.

All I’m “doing for my health” are things I’m not-doing for my destruction.

I’m stuck wondering if elitism (projected or claimed) = access to paywalled news sources.
Might be the recipes. What am I going to do with the rest of these coriander seeds, NYT?

Shut up and hand me all your chocolate.
🦹‍♀️🍫🐣

Adam Scott is reintegrating with Tig Notaro and I’m here for it.

I wear tight T-shirts to eat donuts.
Follow me for more life hacks: #JabbaInTraining

I appear to be raising a white dude.
Too late to bow out gracefully. Or abort.

What do you do with thoughts you’re not allowed to have but that are objectively funny?

Is “for better or for worse” a race to the bottom?
Asking for a housemate.

What about Will Ferrell as Janet Reno?

Just promise to keep Ricky Gervais out.

I’ve quit telling people that I disagree with them. Instead, I now say, “I’m gonna have to agree with myself on this one.” It’s self-positive, non-confrontational, and just weird enough to end the conversation.

Mother fucking minds.

Unapologetic catclown eating cake in a bathtub before spreading chaotic pink-tinged mess everywhere and obstructing access and normal life.

I’m living with The Cat in the Hat Comes Back.
Figurative pink spots everywhere.

Stop identifying others’ “bad hand.” It’s typically just a few bad cards, and it depends on what game you think we’re playing. #War

“Where do I post my colonoscopy prep complaints?”
- only acceptable reason to keep Twitter account

I treasure my marriage. Which is why my “Why is my favorite showerhead disassembled and occupying the sink?!!” is going out to the universe without an intended target.

Only 2 reasons to make bed mid-day:
- Deter naps
- Keep crumbs on top of covers

Every time I clean, I’m faced with the sublimated stressor that triggered cleaning.
#Pigpen4eva

The photo URL includes “HR,” so it’s fine:

pxl-sccvirginiagov.terminalfour.net/prod01/chann...

Can a stock photo be misogynistic?

www.scc.virginia.gov/case-informa...

It’s time to clean myself. Velveteen bunny style.

a man wearing suspenders and a tie says uh yeah ALT: a man wearing suspenders and a tie says uh yeah

I miss when files were fussier and it was easy to break an annoying periodic report. #TPS

Spawnlet gives my marriage 24 months, “with neither of you dead.”
I need a Gantt chart.

I have been brought here this evening by a poorly timed nap.

Waking up, I thought I felt great until I articulated the feeling:
“Nothing *surprising* hurts.”

It’s not a competition, but there’s a clear winner.

I haven’t enjoyed working with anyone I knew wasn’t washing hands after using restroom.
#causal or #correlated

a cartoon drawing of a cat that looks like a circle . ALT: a cartoon drawing of a cat that looks like a circle .

December 2024:
I finally coached my body dysmorphia into working for me.