Liz Lets Loose

My internal dialogue is an unreliable narrator.

look, if the only reason barron ain’t going to iran is they don’t have uniforms in his size i’ll pay to have some made, don’t even worry about it

“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.

I hate people who act like they're smarter than me just because they went to a fancy college and have a higher IQ and are gooder at thinkings.

You have mine. I hate that shit.

they should invent guiltless pleasure

*races to airport
*hurdles through security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*she turns and sees me
*romantic music swells
“I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

It's just adorable that Facebook notifies you that one of your FB friends "added a story with music you can listen to" as if listening to music is a new thing that no one's ever done on the interwebs before

Seems to me that six-month period was pretty nice for you.

one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions

Impossible to imagine, I know

The ones you decide are the greatest after reading them 😉

Well, gas is expensive, and food is expensive, and we’re doing a war nobody wants, but at least there are no jobs

Well, imagine that …

Mine would've died long ago

Yes. But only great ones.

Nope. He lied.

I remember when Rubio claimed that his parents were refugees from Castro.... which was a big f*cking lie 😆

Shut the fuck up (politely)

😆

🫶

I hope people grow out of that habit by the time they're 10.

As if your headache isn't bad enough now there's teeny tiny words on the label of the painkiller that you have to labor to read when you want to know the dosage.

🫶

The GOP doesn't have a pedophile problem, the GOP is the pedophile problem.

I’m not funny enough, I’m not hot enough, but dammit a couple of people like me.

Are you getting Irish tea confused with Irish coffee, perchance? 🤔 😆

I'm just going to sit here all day drinking increasingly strong Irish tea

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm