Jackson Holland

Looks amazing, rice alt text is hilarious

Country started downhill the moment Nickelodeon decided to start the Kids’ Choice Awards.

Do NHL fans giggle when Winnipeg plays San Jose?

I think it is wildly unethical that my insurance agent gave his wife my contact information without my permission so she could spam me via email and text(!) with her real estate business.

People always look surprised when you karate chop them

I will quit a game of Monopoly before it begins if I’m not allowed to buy Marvin Gardens at the start.

I will also quit a game of Clue before it begins if I’m not allowed to hit someone in the head with a wrench in the billiard room at the start.

Men who full stop at a yield sign with no traffic coming probably pull out while wearing a condom during sex.

That’s a fine looking burger. I’ll be making mine tomorrow!

The underwater music from SMB has been going thru my head every time I’ve been swimming over the past 40 years.

Can we stop mining the rather mediocre tale that is the Wizard of Oz? It was a mildly interesting story about some farm girl’s weird ass dream, most likely induced by some sort of vitamin deficiency from a high grain, high protein 1930s Kansas diet. It did not deserve a cinematic universe.

My lunch theme was Disappointing Burrito.

Sounds like someone’s grandma fucked Sir Edmund Hillary.

I won’t watch The Wolf of Wall Street because the worst people I’ve ever met consider a guide to life. I think Scorsese is fantastic, but i just can’t.

Could not agree with this more.

2.5 hours of sucking off the Boomer Generation while shoveling faux morality shit down everyone’s throats.

Fuck that movie in the asshole with a big rubber dick.

Sorry I went to your wedding dressed as Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard.

I thought the rule about not wearing white only applied to female guests.

Dancing In Ketchup Packets

Writing beautiful sonnets about the wondrous world of titties.

I make breakfast every morning dressed like Porky Pig: blazer and bow tie and nothing else

if you can’t find your way to me among my eleven pillows on my bed then that’s your problem pumpkin

My additional policy: you better be an amazing person if you expect to replace any of the pillows!

Lotsa dudes looking like John Wilkes Booth these days to me…

I feel so comforted by the Secretary of Defense being a total bloodthirsty psychopath.

Holy shit.

Sorry about what I did on Dance Party USA all those years ago.

But I owe Human League the bigger apology.

Sometimes I have dreams in which the Machine that Rage Against the Machine was the Machine that plays with Florence.

And then they battle to the death with big swords.

In my head, I’m screaming.

But I’m also screaming outside of my head and the neighbors are getting worried.

Nothing like whiny-ass colleagues pissing and moaning as they try to do their homework the night before it’s due when it was assigned a month ago.

I was using a urinal at work today, and some dude decided to use the one right next to me instead of one further away.

So I decided to test his comfort level while pissing by loudly stating, “I DO BELIEVE IN TINKERBELL!”

Stay out of Chickentown!

Current Status:

Hiding in my closet and reading my bible* for strength.

*an old copy of Penthouse Forum

I always get sad when I think about how Jazz had to get written out of the original Transformers cartoon because his voice actor Scatman Crothers was murdered by Jack Nicholson swinging an axe into his chest.