Eephus Tosser

Every year I have to figure out from scratch how to adjust the time on the oven.

I honestly think it's weird how little we talk about the Right's propensity for trafficking — whether it's secreting citizens to out-of-state detention facilities or bussing homeless people to California. It's truly strange the way they do not hide that they see humans as capital and no one cares.

Baseball is the best because imagine a football tournament where teenagers and 40-year-olds teamed up and went toe-to-toe with the best players on the planet.

God I love this game.

It's fascinating watching him hit dingers. He isn't even all that strong; he just uses the hell out of his levers. I think about a team getting him into a weight room and I salivate.

You know you're getting old when the songs you used to listen to at the club are now playing at your optometrist's office.

At 76, Dusty Baker is managing again. He's leading Nicaragua in the World Baseball Classic Dusty Baker is going to be honored as a member of the Cactus League Hall of Fame on March 14, and he’s appreciative of the recognition.

Dusty Baker is going to be honored as a member of the Cactus League Hall of Fame on March 14, and he's appreciative of the recognition.

There goes my Armond White guess.

lol I campaigned for Alan Keyes 😭

Facebook used to be the place to go to realize you slept with the wrong people in high school and now it's become the place to go to learn that everyone you've ever known is just awful.

"The burger wars," and it's just a bunch of Wharton MBAs eating snacks go fuck yourself.

I think it's funny when people say a team has "too much starting pitching," for instance. Never in my life have I seen a baseball team have to solve that problem.

What passes for a trend these days is watching rich old white guys eating hamburgers made by the companies they own please I hate it here.

I don't really believe in logjams, anyway.

"If only the Astros' infield log jam could sort itself out..."

*monkey paw curls*

I'm beginning to think it might be because I'm in L.A. and we have some strong local options, because I get Porto's delivered to my office at least once a month, too.

Every Friday, I make a list of who gave me value that week and every Monday I order flowers. I get a number of deliveries myself, but never Crumbl. Maybe now that Sprinkles is no more, though.

Maternal grandfather died before I was born, from injuries he sustained in World War II, where he was in a tank crew. He was also gay and he and my grandmother adopted two daughters (my mom and aunt).

Paternal grandfather was a prison guard. He was in the Army before that and also served in WW2.

It's like a cockroach, it just won't die.

Bottoms and feeders are two of my favorite groups of people to date.

Terrific work by this engagement panhandler. "Actually, you're all the stupid ones for thinking he knew the meaning of the permanent tattoo he paid someone to put on his body."

P.S. as a Jew, if you think that there are no anti-semites married to Jews—especially Jewish women—whoo boy!

When you get yelled at and your feelings are hurt, you should get to do a little assault, as a treat.

I'm not sure what you mean, but I send thank you gifts weekly.

Had my first Crumbl cookie and fucking gross.

I hate this.

If baseball has taught me nothing else...

And this man calls himself a Kennedy.

America versus Freeland sounds about right for 2026.

Mets counter by signing John Hodgman.

The good news is that it leaves Dallas just as quickly.