amiigat.bsky.social

You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...

People disrespecting you and then say "I was just joking, don't take it seriously ".

No.

Fuck you.

We're done.

#gladweclearedthatup

Sometimes you need to show a motherfucker what a real MOTHERFUCKER is like so they stop disrespecting you.

Daylight savings needs more butthole.

A couple who hate the same things together stays together.

I don't like your attitude, people with good attitudes.

This day in history. 1963. It's Teachers' Day in Lebanon if the Israeli government hasn't killed them all yet.

I’m only here for the butthole skeets.

I only repost quality butthole skeets.

Shut the fuck up (flirting)

Get in losers, we’re losing an hour.

This day in history. 1868. At Sakai Japan 100 French sailors, tired of drunkenly harassing women and desecrating temples, started a firefight with the samurai garrison. 12 sailors were killed so a Japanese prince apologized, the townspeople paid damages of $150,000, and 11 samurai committed seppuku.

International Women’s Day is only 23 hours

I’ll just leave that right there

We could all use more butthole this weekend.

I’ve just joined a dating site out of boredom, and also so I can tell even more men that approach me, that I’m not interested. 🙄

This day in history. 2013. Singer and quick as lightning guitarist Alvin Lee died following heart surgery. An autopsy revealed resting in his chest cavity two souvenir Alvin Lee guitar picks and a Junior Mint.

not to brag but I’m folding the laundry

OK, the laundry that’s been in the dryer since last weekend

a man in a suit and tie is holding a drink and saying now you have my attention . Alt: a man in a suit and tie is holding a drink and saying now you have my attention . The Leonardo DiCaprio from Django unchained you had my curiosity and now you have my attention gif

"🎶Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale..."

ME: Sorry, pass.

"🎶...A tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship..."

ME:

*raises the bar*

Bar: “put me down”

When people ask me "How do you live with yourself?" the answer is I don't. I have a modest apartment on the other side of town.

You're welcome for me being the wind beneath your wings.

It’s Friday.

Get your buttholes ready.

My son won’t let me pack him a snack for school. Snacks are for babies, and he is not a baby. He does, however, love the “supplementary lunch” I’ve been packing in a separate container because his lunch box could not possibly hold enough food for a boy of his size and strength.

Comic panel with a space superhero type dude that says there's Uranus just ahead. I'll land secretly!

I've tried it dude. Can't be done.

This day in history. 1921. Sunbury PA police chief Donnie Smith issued an edict requiring women and girls to wear skirts at least four inches below the knees. Told he couldn't issue edicts and questioned about his interest in girls' skirts he launched a speakeasy raid on neighbouring Snydertown.

A sign reads "Please wait patiently for the failure of the system" with Chinese characters above.

our patience has been rewarded

The amount of times I’ve panicked looking for my phone while it’s literally in my hand is embarrassing.

It was the best of times, it was the accidentally-pushed-the-elevator-button-before-offering-to-let-your-toddler-push-it of times.