Alex Blechman

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

Isaac Asimov: The Laws of Robotics. A robot may not injure a human or by inaction allow a human to be harmed. Ethicists will spend centuries debating the laws and studying their ambiguities

Tech Guy: We put a flamethrower on a roomba

Gas is too expensive. I’ve switched to having my car carried by a team of ten bodybuilders. It’s much slower, under 1 mph, but to fuel it I just have to feed them protein bars through the window

Bad economic news. The pyramid eye on the back of every $1 bill has started crying tears of blood

Nintendo added a new pokemon named Kevin. They look like a normal middle-aged human man and insist they’re not pokemon

Kevin can talk, he says things like “I’m human, you gotta believe me” and “This is a mistake! Don’t make me battle a Charizard.” Flocks of Kevins can be found roaming in tall grass

Hey, AI chatbots aren’t that bad. After the war I used them to make a simulated social media network to distract me from being the last living human

Every social media joke about politics is a tragedy. We could have instead been speculating whether Lightning McQueen’s biology is entirely metal or if he has a fleshy interior like a clam inhabiting a shell

For sale: sex airplane, barely flown

Police: We’re here to arrest Kristi Noem

Noem: (dressed as Mr. Turtle from the 2002 movie The Master of Disguise) She went that way

This is a lesson about the price of hubris. The moral is, if you’re a government official you can’t get away with stealing $140 million and buying a luxury sex plane. You have to settle for stealing $2 million and buying a chauffeured escalade with a tinted privacy screen between you and the driver

Noem is stepping down to spend more time shooting her dogs

Politician: I wouldn’t classify this as a “war.” It’s a shooty boom boom soldier fighty fight time

*holding up a burger with a trembling hand*
The layers are food. You folk sure like your layers, don’t ya

The marketing TikTok video where I eat a burger in funereal silence was cleverly edited to hide me shouting “How dare you?!” after every bite

I could be a fast food CEO. I could eat our burger on camera without recoiling. I would not scream “yuck, pauper’s gruel”

I used to work near a Dunkin Donuts and getting a jumbo hazelnut coffee with extra sugar was my vice. I never believed it was “healthy” or “good for me.” I greedily slurped it like a necromancer drinking from a skull-covered chalice as the final step in a dark ritual

My shadowy billionaire cabal never does anything amoral on our secret island. All we do there is splice together human and animal DNA in an attempt to clone the ultimate being

Most of society's problems are caused by the fact that laws are written by politicians instead of game designers. This means they consider "what the text says" and not exploits like "if you give a shopkeeper a stolen cheese wheel he will think he's a robber and attack himself"

The nerd, the jock, the party animal, the jerk. Living in a sewer together. Ordering pizzas to a manhole cover

The eternal tale. The meta story from which all stories are spun

Joseph Campbell called it “The Apartment with a Thousand Floorplans”

The reason the Ninja Turtles work so well as a narrative premise is that if you strip away the mutant animals and ninjas, it taps into the Ur-story archetype plot of roommates finding a weird apartment in New York

Sleep Paralysis Demon: So, I wrote a screenplay

The State Department is advising all stranded Americans to take shelter in a cave and build a crude but powerful suit of Iron Man armor to help them escape

Marco Rubio is typing “What is Trivago Guy’s phone number?” into the Trivago search bar but it’s just bringing up deals at the Doubletree Hilton

The State Department is asking the Trivago Guy to help evacuate Americans from the Middle East. They are begging him to use his nonchalant flair for finding travel deals

Economists and military experts warn that we are approaching the “Oreo Threshold” where society is too disrupted to keep making the weird Oreo flavors. No red velvet Oreos, no burnt toffee Oreos, our civilization would no longer be capable of those feats. It’s possible we’d even lose Double Stuf

Freedom of Speech painting by Norman Rockwell, a working man bravely standing up to talk in a crowded room

Sorry to interrupt this town hall but here are ideas for 200 new Pokémon I thought up. Dugbug, a burrowing beetle. Candelabro, the bodybuilder candle. Monkini, a monkey that wears a bikini

Video games often have floating platforms, but they don’t explain why the platforms are floating. That’s where game writers come in, to say that platforms are kept aloft by “ghostium” an invisible fog created by the souls of every dead person

Crest toothpaste executive placing an insider trader bet on polymarket that 9 out of 10 dentists will prefer Crest

Isaac Asimov: The Laws of Robotics. A robot may not injure a human or by inaction allow a human to be harmed. Ethicists will spend centuries debating the laws and studying their ambiguities

Tech Guy: We put a flamethrower on a roomba