The Talentless Mr Ripley

Quit teasing me babe and just put your wellies on

On a pain scale of 1-10. Dislocating your elbow is a 3.

Naproxen

"Do you think lightning McQueen got car insurance or life insurance?"

Aurie Styla is my new favourite comedian.

Despite how much I cherish my anonymity by refusing to share pics and usually finding it easy to maintain, it's particularly difficult on days like today, where I look fucking amazing.

Good evening everyone, my name is Dave, and this isn't anonymous at all is it?

I've spent the whole day walking around in nothing but several layers of waterproofs. Or as those of us in the know call it, edging.

Even solicited dick pics feel wrong. My wife disagrees but it still feels inherently creepy.

Despite my stunningly handsome dick.

I miss the olden days when scammers made more of an effort.

People who say you don't learn anything from watching TV, I learned that you never invite Jessica Fletcher to a lavish party.

Check and mate.

The main difference I've noticed between here and the bird app is that I haven't been asked for a single pic of my dick or debit card on here. It's lovely. Thanks to all the nice people for allowing me to exist here in peace.

Obviously I'm here now talking shit but in my defence I'm squintingly high and 5 beers into a six pack.

It would seem that irony knows no bounds in that technology has made me into a luddite.

That's why I went back to reading actual physical books and writing things down in a note pad instead.

What a terrible day to be able to read.

- me, usually within 10 minutes of scrolling any social media.

my dream in life is to find the people I used to chat with on the Alternative Press message boards in the early 2000s

Is that Evangelion even Neon Genesis, bro?

When I was younger I used to be satisfied with a glass of cheap, trashy, unsophisticated wine but now I’m all grown up I need at least 2 full bottles.

I have the bladder of a much younger man.

It’s one of the more unusual trophies I kept from my days as a serial killer but it really is a guaranteed conversation starter when used as a wineskin at dinner parties.

All social media posts are now postcards from the edge.

I'm only here for #caturday

Happy 66th Birthday to The Andrew formerly known as prince.

With a special mention to Thames Valley Police for arranging the ultimate surprise party for him.

Now that I've finished watching Secrets of the Octopus on Disney, I'm just going to be referring to it as The Octopus going forwards.

If you motorboat a lady wearing a raincoat it's called yachting.

Once again I'm torn between retaining my relative anonymity and sharing a photo because I actually look good

Just want to get a fresh perspective on this but, solicited dick pics are ok, right?

You whisper sweet nothings. I'll whisper sweet somethings.

Fruity Pebbles has the word fruit in it, therefore it is healthy & what’s for dinner

I think it's about time for Funko Pops to fuck off.

I finally beat my depression and was able to shave and bathe today. It's not news but it was a big deal for me.

And as an added bonus, after shaving my head and edging up my beard I look like Dave Bautista's mini-me.