zozman

Do Mandelson next.

Has the midlife wire spool bloke divorced his awful wife yet?

Is there a rugby game on tonight or something?

It takes seven years to become a doctor, but the first six are mostly learning Latin.

Loved The Ballad of Wallis Island.

I think the key message that I took from it is that artists should never try to grow or evolve.

Remember when Special Agent Dale Cooper of the FBI spent months redacting BOB's name and misdeeds from the Twin Peaks files?

It's surely not a coincidence that everything's getting worse AND Bobby Fingers hasn't released anything in about a year.

Christians - don't just say "God said..." or "Jesus travelled to..." Try "For did not God say...." or "For did not Jesus travel to..." posed as a question.

This mystical type style will make your nonsense sound more believable, possibly.

Timeline Cleanse

#タイムライン浄化剤投与

Cover of exclusive Pagans edition for Waterstones

Oh gawd it's January, which means my book is coming out in paperback on the 29th! Waterstones are doing an exclusive edition with red edges, a prequel chapter AND the first chapter of the sequel, The Hoard and can be pre-ordered THUSLY: www.waterstones.com/book/pagans/...

So, America, I'm up late - what mad shit are you doing today to make everything worse?

"My girl, my girl, don't lie to me. Tell me where did you sleep last night?"

"In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don't ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through."

"So, round at Gary's then?"

"Yeah."

I'm starting a conspiracy theory that Q from QAnon is Mr Qi from Stardew Valley.

Every year at this time, I'll see a wild animal out and about and idly wonder if they get some time off for Christmas. Then I'll remember that (1) being a squirrel isn't their job, and (2) that I'm not a clever man.

I met a hedge today that was recreating Michaelangelo's The Creation of Adam.

Omg lmao

Dear BBC - please stop trying to make Wayne Rooney a thing.

"Are you there God? It's me, Margaret."

God "Firstly, which 11 year old girl is called Margaret?"

Pitching a new comic to Viz about a group of overly sentimental cartilaginous fish called "The Bathetic Sharks".

A corroded metal arrowhead displayed upright on a thin stand. The triangular point is heavily weathered and rough, with two short side barbs extending from the base. Its surface shows a mottled texture of rust and mineral deposits, giving it an uneven, pitted appearance

#FindsFriday!
An arrowhead made of #meteorite iron: around 1,500 BC, a meteorite struck #Estonia. A fragment of it arrived - presumably in the baggage of an amber trader - at what is now Lake Biel, #Switzerland. An arrowhead was then made there from the cosmic iron.
From Mörigen, 900-800 BC.

📷 me

England shouldn't bother with openers. Just negotiate that it'll be somewhere between 20-2 and 30-2. #theashes

Mary Shelley is going to be so embarrassed when she realises that she called her book The MODERN Prometheus, yet she published it in 1818.

I've just watched that Primitive Technology bloke for the first time in a few years, and he made a Harrier Jump Jet out of some clay and twigs.

Just shown the wife ten minutes of #FM26 so she no longer thinks I'm the biggest disappointment in the world.

In a cruel world, choose to be kind

of an 'orrible bastard.

I've just applied for a bank account and they want me to do a little video of myself and hahaha you can fuck RIGHT OFF.

Commentators ask why men are angry and disillusioned nowadays without even considering that the Civ7 release and the Football Manager 26 beta betrayal happened within 9 months. #FM26

Is your mum John Barnes in the World in Motion video because a) they both look like human men, and b) they both advocate getting "round the back"?

A remake of The Damed United but it's just Ange Postecoglou not training finishing or set pieces, shaking his head, and calling everyone 'mate' before getting sacked. #nffc

I've spent 25 minutes googling whether REM ever played a gig in North Norfolk, and if so, whether Michael Stipe did the "that's me in the Cromer" gag, and I can confirm that's it's a no on both counts.