Send me a selfie and I'll guess your BMI
07.01.2026 13:51
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Send me a selfie and I'll guess your BMI
Ha, ha yes, that's a funny Twitter screenshot from 2014
They should have given us all an extra day off. This is BS
I would get sworn in on a copy of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
I have exciting news: no one cares!
Fuck I almost ruined 2026 by accidentally reposting someone I actively dislike.
My New Year's resolve is already waning.
For most of 2026 I’ll be harrumphing
Well thank fuck that's all over with.
Dog: *begs*
Me: Sheesh. Have a little dignity.
January is the Monday of the year.
Every generation passes down less knowledge and more passwords.
There's still time to get me a Christmas gift
Ho ho hold me bro
don’t forget to lube your chimney
every time i finish a book i have one thought and that thought is that i never want to write a book again
don’t worry, kids, i’m tracking santa that son-of-a-bitch won’t get away with it on my watch
People who don't eat fruit cake won't do that thing you like
No I’m not sitting on the couch eating crumbs out of my chest hair.
just chilling at the zoo I mean mall
Using my Shamwow and saying WOW! to express a strong feeling of pleasure and surprise
pocket size theremin for my pocket size rock ballads.
I'm strictly here for the eggnog drinking contests.
bad news: the last slice of pizza didn’t fix me
maybe if I had had just one more
I am unstoppable unless there’s a minor inconvenience.
What if I told you the bells weren't actually jingling. What if I told you that's how they scream.
walks through a car wash just to feel something