turbo jerry

when i was a kid i thought being rich was having an extra fridge in your garage

ok that’s a good point tho

too real

I have no idea how I got so sticky.

when i was a kid i thought being rich was having an extra fridge in your garage

me, opening my junk drawer: *sees 30 year cable charger that i haven’t used in 29 years*

also me: don’t throw it out you might need it

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm

They should invent water that isn't obsessed with my cuffs

i just made this amazing dish: meatballs & spaghetti it’s exactly like spaghetti & meatballs but it’s meatballs & spaghetti !

*accidentally making eye contact with myself as i wash my feet in the sink because they smell so bad*

me: the fuck you lookin at?

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

captain anxious and the anxieteers

💅🏼 besides for me

many are saying this

people don’t talk enough about how bad an actor dennis quaid is

People that ask you if you're really okay don't want you to say no.

when people try explaining to me what’s wrong with me i let them

(dollar general)

TURBO JERRY IS HERE

lol fair

lol that is actually amazing

*badly dubbed movie with terrible plot*

Netflix: “top 10 in Movies”

I’m starting my daylight saving time rage a week early so I’m properly prepared.

Hot in the way that I glow from within. Fueled by feminine rage and rogue hormones.

Going to start using the word whilst just to piss people off.

Silently cursing anyone who's ever given me some doodad I never wanted that I'm now responsible for moving from place to place for the rest of my life

Can't, redecorating my crying cave

Remembering when "March Madness" was about basketball and not the entire fucking planet.

Good times.

RELUCTANTLY CROUCHED AT THE STARTING LINE

in which case why am i seeing dubbed movies

no! lol he’s objectively bad but people THINK he’s good; there’s a big difference