Kelley Jeans

nothing makes me want to eat beef more than the chick-fil-a cow

stop comparing AI to the calculator. when the calculator was invented people weren’t using it to create a new way to see boobies ah wait no hang on

my grandpa was illiterate so i have no idea if this ouija board is working or not

Me, emptying my new dehumidifier: "Wow bud, you took so much water out of the air, as a reward for doing a good job, I will let you eat more water air tomorrow"

me: shall i prepare for end of life?

doctor: you’re perfectly healthy

me: i just want to be comfortable

doctor: you’re not dying

me: more morphine please

This was an insane sunset.

#blueskyartshow #vibrant #photograpy #sunset

post that reads: Bluesky needs community notes. To much fake/misleading posts. My reply reads: (info icon) Community note: this user meant "Too many"

got 'em

Astrology only applies to me when it’s flattering

Imposter syndrome but it’s just me trying to be a human

[first day as a paramedic ]

me: cpr isn’t working he’s just..farting a lot

supervisor: turn him over

air bud: i play basketball

snoopy: please. i fought in the damn war

Leave me alone!

I love Lisa Jewel!! Thank you :)

Does anyone have any good True Crime or Horror book recommendations? I just finished Mother Thing and I’m on the last legs of Incidents Around the House. So good!! #BookRecommendation

I literally pee every time I sneeze and these ungrateful kids can’t even throw out a “bless you”

using a 3d printer to make a 3d printer and going back to the store to return a 3d printer

Now we wait!!

i'm not really into the bar scene (eating granola bars), i'm more into the club scene (eating club sandwiches)

If you’re gonna expect me to know what I’m talking about then I’m out.

I’m sorry

You are!!!!

Blues ky. I’m a little tipsy in a bathroom

My kid came home from school yesterday and told me his class is supposed to dress up as Elvis for morning assembly. I told him I think he means elves. He disagreed. I can’t wait to hear how his day went when ‘The King’ returns home.

Jingle all the way? In this economy?

Today is getting nothing more than my ‘meh good enough’

I like when the football coaches whisper behind their clipboards about who they think looks fat

Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription

tired af - never had to live this long before

Started at the bottom and somehow now even lower than than that

I need like 12 emotional support puppies.