Rod Kelly

Being British is essentially saying "sorry" unnecessarily at any minor mishap but never accepting responsibilty for major f**kups

TLDR: It's the linear nature of time

The puppy is trying to stare out the world's smallest snowman

My dogs in classical paintings update

I wish I had the range and multitasking ability of the WWF. Protecting endangered species and organising a worldwide wrestling league. Hat tip lads.

"Birmingham has more canals than Venice" is an example of valuing quantity over quality

Dogs and cats in Michaelangelo fresco

Photoshopping pets into renaissance paintings. HBU?

Remake Diagnosis Murder with Will and Jayden Smith

I always thought Toryism is about preserving the status quo and protecting your assets from being wasted on things like education, healthcare and tackling inequality. Becoming more Tory is about becoming richer, not older. Maybe the link is breaking as so few people in the UK are getting richer?

ME: So I think mini cheddars have effectively become the default cheddar size, necessitating a taxonomic change whereby mini cheddars are reclassified as "cheddars" and anything bigger is classed a "maxi cheddar"

PRIEST: I honestly don't think this is in the Pope's remit

Paw Patrol is a cautionary tale about outsourcing vital public services to the private sector. Sure, Ryder can cut costs by employing puppies, but if there's a serious adverse event there will be blood on Mayor Goodway's hands. Adventure Bay deserves better

Elmer Fudd has met his match

The Uber delivery boy lays bleeding and spreadeagled next to the wreckage of his bike
Nearby a man inspects the bumper of his 4x4
Darren and Mandy sit on the sofa, gazing at a solitary stationary blue dot on the phone screen
"This is the worst day ever" sighs Darren

Musk seems really keen to settle Mars but surely he knows it ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell.

Monkey looking up hopefully

"Excuse me sir, do you have a moment to discuss giving me all the fckn bananas?"

Life seems a bit easier when you realise that most people are just winging it

Rod Liddle makes me embarrassed to have my name. And I'm literally called R Kelly

A few days into holiday and I've achieved peak "Brit on tour" physique - baked potato with four cocktail sticks poked into it

I stand at the hotel buffet, covered in an undercoat of factor 50 as thick as Dulux trade emulsion. Taking a deep breath I slowly pick up two dinner plates. This, I think, is my own personal Everest

Peppa Pig is a fascinating example of nominative determinism. Unlike Shaun THE Sheep she is not mearly Peppa THE Pig. It is not a descriptor, it is a surname. In the extended Peppa Pig universe it is unclear what came first: surname or species. It is a question for philosophers.

Curly fries are clearly the best potato based snack but I wonder if we've fully harnessed the potential of curlification in other food groups