Kristen Bartlett

The PONIES ride at Universal is a 40 minute wait right now.

The coolest I’ve ever felt was when Beyoncé put Red Lobster in a song.

Imagine getting diet advice from a rapist who ate an ear.

“We’re rattled. We’re not going in with confidence.” - My husband, a man who has never put on skates, about the US figure skating team.

If I were on Subway Takes, I’d say “It’s too much with the hot honey,” and then we’d sit in silence until I got to my stop.

I’m on threads a little bit more, but I probably should be here instead!

Listen, if 20 year old boys were texting in complete sentences with proper punctuation, there wouldn't be a male loneliness epidemic.

I'm pretty sure that the only leader who could fix the United States at this point is the CEO who is saving Red Lobster.

One thing that the mainstream media often gets tragically wrong about Kristi Noem is that she also killed a goat.

“I don’t care about the ones who do it legally.” Ma’am, your son got a DUI on a tractor.

“The hoses aren’t the same as when we were drinking from them.” - My husband, on why our dog can’t have hose water.

I'm old enough to remember Republicans lying that Obamacare meant "death panels," and then they go out there saying shit like this while cutting healthcare for millions.

Bullying is OK — but bullying Kristen is NOT OK 🚫✋

The same men who say “you don’t know what a woman is” couldn’t find a clit if it was mappable on GPS.

I love when people say that someone is “unapologetically themselves,” because I am very apologetically myself.

Pretty soon, Chappell Roan will have enough songs to write Eating Out: The Musical.

The improv bubble bursting five years ago gave birth to the soft men absolutely wrecking themselves in Jubilee videos today.

The emoji with the biggest red flag is 🚀

I’ve started doing something I call “The Delilah Hour” where if I cook an uncomplicated nostalgic dinner while playing 90’s easy listening music from 6:30p-7:30p and it’s lowered my blood pressure by 9 points.

Oh my god, I just turned on Delilah's show, and we're heating up a big pot of soup with garlic bread. This is genius.

It gives me a weird and disturbing thrill to hear a person who I would otherwise never meet say with total certainty that they're about to receive an $8000 check from Elon Musk.

I have developed a sick addiction to wandering into TikTok lives and listen to panels of the dumbest people alive discuss politics.

Wearing high waters while cutting FEMA.

Having just a normal day: writing in my little journal, enjoying the sunny California weather, blocking The White House on Facebook.

They should bring D.A.R.E. back but just show how uncool Elon Musk makes doing drugs look.

The only one taking SSRIs in my home right now is my dog, so someday in the future when I say RFK sent him to a farm upstate, I will really mean he went to a farm upstate.

Well kids, it was 2025, and the President got so mad his football team lost, he decided to get rid of the penny.

That Super Bowl open felt like it was written two months ago based on the assumption that we would’ve just survived a terrorist attack.

Just told a friend I was freezing eggs, and he assumed I meant *my* eggs, but no, I meant chicken eggs, because they're more valuable to me now.

Every new thing I see about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni, it's like... Kim, there's people dying.