Paul Salazar Jr

If Sherlock is so smart then why does he have to have a roommate?

Not to be an elitist or nothing but Markwayneglenngarryglennross not having a bachelors is wild. Did he at least pass four levels of UCB??

Let me be clear: I’m glad Kristi Noem was fired. But we still have to abolish ICE.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can pick your friend’s nose.

The laws are very clear. These slimy freaks always thumbing their nose at our rules

The news will be like: Noem is fired, but replaced by a real gnome…

McDonald’s CEO barely takes a bite of his burger. Burger King takes a bigger bite of his burger. But will the Carl’s Jr CEO make sweet love to his sexy burgers or is he a coward?

Damn, I better write some more jokes before I’m a casualty of some old man’s war.

Once again I haven’t been practicing gratitude this year so I guess I’m gonna have to freestyle tomorrow

I’ll go the rest of my life convinced that those turkeys Trump pardoned must have done unspeakable evil in the turkey community

My dog was mad at me because it won’t stop raining and I had to explain to her that no one can control the weather. So proud she’s officially smarter than a Fox News viewer.

Maybe I don’t have insomnia. Maybe my issues with authority are so bad that I can’t even listen to myself when I say I need to go to sleep.

LA is gonna be so wet this week that Ben Shapiro’s gonna say it’s a myth

If you can’t tell the difference between an IQ test and a dementia test: congrats you failed both

Winning a peace prize is kinda hard to do when you’re a piece of shit

Taking medical advice from two men that look like that would be like taking beauty advice from two men who look like that

Donald Trump is such a loser you can’t make a joke about him or he’ll send his goons after you. It’s terrifying sure, but it’s hard to be scared of a bloated orange bag of farts with thin skin

being scared of getting booed at the US Open is weak, get booed at an open mic like a real man!

Donald saw a video from 2020 and was furious. He threatened to send troops to Portland. The old man has completely lost it because the video in question was an episode of Portlandia…

Wow, I think that the Senate is actually grilling RFK, Jr. because the man looks like a burnt hot dog. And he normally looks like a standard uncooked hot dog.

Darth Vader’s lightsaber sold for 3.65 million at an auction. That rich person’s gonna be real angry when they find out that it doesn’t even work.

Big night for the savvy gamblers that bet the over/under for weather delays

Things were so boring back in the day grown men would just build tiny ships in bottles instead of spending time with their families

You really can taste the fact that they let real monsters make Monster energy drink

I saw a real-life-Bart-Simpson just skateboarding in the middle of the street! And I was like: be safe, are you crazy!?! And then I was like: is this what having a cow feels like, man?

Spirit Airlines has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy for the second time in a year. I’m no economist but it seems like this business is bad.

AI just lost its job at Taco Bell. And honestly, this is justa huge L for me. Because this is the guy I keep losing jobs to.

Can confirm: in this new Air Bud script, Air Bud becomes Pope.

putting the RACK in cRACKer barrel (drawing huge honkers on ol' uncle herschel)