𝓵𝓾𝓶𝓹 🐠

Jeangu Macrooy - Independent Girls & Nasty Evil Gays (official video) YouTube video by Jeangu Macrooy

Doing better. Music helps. youtu.be/GOQFWGiJqWI?...

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It’s passing

Usually I would use substances (alcohol, weed) but I’m rawdogging the emotions now

It’s not so much suicidal fixation as it is my nervous system is overclocked and this causes a cascade of suicidal thoughts

This is not “I am going to kill myself” it’s “I desire relief from the intense emotions”

Nope, wish I was dead again

Regulating

System is on overload. The only thing my brain is doing is wishing it were dead.

My life has been very intense, but at least it’s not boring

However, I would prefer boring now

I don’t buy the AI singularity hype

It is illusory after all

I do have a part of me which rebels against the concept of status and wishes to say “believing status is important is low status”

Read an article about status and realized I’m incredibly low status for several reasons

I wish I did not think through things so much and then try to parse it through a political lense

I struggle with distraction and then hyperfocus on the wrong things

the cat is lying on me and kneading/biting my boob, which makes sense, but is also somewhat painful

I am recalibrating

All my bad mental habits seem to be picking back up… shit

Everyone’s going crazy right now, right?

I would love to consume something which will cause me to be inebriated. Alas

I am deciding to love myself, despite it all

I struggle with executive functioning. But I have also overcome some of it. It’s still hard for me to do everyday body-involved maintenance. Often I feel like I don’t have a body. I know I dissociate, and have had serious episodes of it.

Many times a diagnosis can provide an answer to the eternal question “Why am I like this”

But I’ve personally had several diagnoses over the past 20 years, some even in conflict with each other. It changes as prescribers and therapists change. The answer for me isn’t clear

I’ve had many diagnoses so I’m always hesitant to focus on one diagnosis over another. I’m certainly comorbid but not clear as to what.

Here have one (1) community support 🫂

The level of intensity in which I experience emotions is different than most people’s experiences. This means high highs and low lows. It is bipolar after all (supposedly).

maybe like low-medium. I’ve had far worse emotional experiences, and use my worst experiences as the standard however most people have never been to the level of intensity I have so my medium or even low crashout looks Huge to them

I missed several doses of a medication due to not getting a refill quite in time, I am very likely having withdrawals. I have the med now but damn I am crashing out. Medium level, not extreme. Still manageable.

Is wanting support the same as wanting attention? Are they separate things?

It’s like a memo went out through out tpot “don’t pay attention to her”

Some part of me does crave the attention, but is support if not a form of attention? More fodder for me to self deprecrate by accusing myself of wanting attention