The Midnight Society

Mary Shelley: i consent
Percy Shelley: i consent
Lord Byron: i consent
Gravestone of Mary Wollstonecraft: isn't there someone you forgot to ask?

Simmons: i can't believe we're talking about consent
Simmons: i thought we were past caring about consent as a society
Simmons: but instead it's woke 2.0 >:C
Simmons: why are you all backing away
Barker: no reason
Shelley: [sharpening shiv] oh there's a reason

Gyllenhaal: anyway this is a retelling of frankenstein as a romantic bonnie and clyde gothic murder ballad
Poe: different! what do you think, mary?
Mary Shelley: is igor in this one
Gyllenhaal: no
Shelley: then i like it

Poe: well, mary, in all fairness
Shelley: you better not fuckin say it, edgar
Shelley: this is getting real john barthy
Poe:
Poe: i withdraw the statement
Shelley: good

Simmons: i tell you, it's political correctness gone mad!
Simmons: why, it's getting so that you can't even be racist anymore!
Mary Shelley: hey
Shelley: aren't you dead
Simmons:
Simmons: wow
Simmons: too soon

Simmons: once again, the woke mob is forcing PC politics into our classic monsters!
Simmons: what's next?
Simmons: DEI dracula?
Simmons: the wolf they/them?
Simmons: a mummy that likes italians?
Lovecraft: oh no!

Gyllenhaal: you know, you really can't talk about the bride of frankenstein
Gyllenhaal: [sitting backwards in chair] without talking about consent
Dan Simmons: UGH i can't believe frankenstein went woke!
Mary Shelley: shut the fuck up loser
Shelley: let her cook

Gyllenhaal: frank and the bride
Gyllenhaal: they lived a lot together
Gyllenhaal: and finally together
Gyllenhaal: they died
Gyllenhaal: wah wah wah WAAAAAAH

Gyllenhaal: it's about the bride
Mary Shelley: whoa whoa whoa hold on a second there
Shelley: the bride of WHO?
Gyllenhaal: you know
Gyllenhaal: [tapping nose] frank
Shelley: ha ha ha
Shelley: you sly bitch

Maggie Gyllenhaal: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the bride!
Gyllenhaal: the exclamation point denotes excitement
Gyllenhaal: please clap

🖤

see ya there, folks!

Barker: what
King: what
Lovecraft: what
Koontz: what
Poe: what
Besson: no questions please

Besson: oh but there's one thing about these cute gargoyles
Barker: i'm still reeling from the fact that there are cute gargoyles at all honestly
Besson: when dracula dies, they all turn into children
Stoker: what

Besson: yeah these gargoyles are adorable AND funny!
Barker: they are neither of those things
Besson: kids will love them!
Barker: highly dubious
Koontz: i like cute gargoyles
Besson: SEE???

Stoker: everyone knows that dracula's little helper is renfield!
Besson: not this time!
Besson: he's got a bunch of cute little animated gargoyle helpers, like out of Disney's hunchback
Stoker:
Stoker:
Stoker:

Besson: oh! also i forgot
Besson: dracula has a bunch of little helpers
King: oh yeah, igor!
Stoker: no! it's not igor!
Stoker: we've been over this before!
Stoker: igor is from frankstein!
Mary Shelley: no he fucking isn't

Besson: anyway this priest says to dracula "hey you should consider repenting"
Besson: and dracula is all "ok i repent"
Besson: and that pretty much solves things
Besson: surprisingly easy, if you think about it

Besson: surprisingly eventually all his whining actually wins mina over
Besson: at which point he immediately pivots to "no we can't be together, loving me would damn you"
Besson: this is called negging
Lee: bro
Lee: does that work

Besson: yeah so he's got to make a good first impression on mina so naturally he won't stop whining about his dead wife
Besson: "oh wah wah wah my wife is dead, i'm so lonely wah wah wah"
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: does that work

Besson: so this vampire woman introduces mina to dracula
Besson: this is his big shot
Besson: remember mina is the reincarnation of his immortal love
Besson: don't blow this one, vlad!
Barker: does he blow it
Besson: he blows it
Stoker: oh thank god!

Luc Besson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of incel dracula
Besson: so dracula goes to a party, but a courtesan laughs at him!
Besson: like, she doesn't even care about his amazing perfume or his $500 gucci sunglasses
Besson: fuckin' femoid!!!

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Besson: that's right dracula develops a perfume so potent that it instantly makes all women horny for him
Stoker: what
Stoker: i don't like that!
Besson: don't worry, cuz i'm gonna instantly drop that storyline

Besson: since dracula has no game, he has to invent ax body spray
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Poe:
Besson: dracula's a scientist

Besson: as you know, dracula has no way to attract women
Besson: it's not like he has some sort of supernatural attraction that makes him irresistible to women
Stoker: thank god!
Stoker: i would hate to be irresistible to women!
Stoker: what a nightmare!

Francis Ford Coppola: can he still have the hair that looks like a butt?
Besson: oh yeah of course
Besson: he's not dracula without that!

Besson: ok so the important thing to know about dracula
Besson: is that he has absolutely no game
Besson: no rizz, no drip
Besson: just a real sad sack piece of shit

Besson: i hope you're all familiar with the dracula story, cuz i'm not gonna give these characters any sort of introduction or anything
Besson: by the same token, i hope you'e also all completely unfamiliar with vampire lore because i'm gonna repeat that in depth