"People swallow 8 spiders a year in their sleep!"
"A duck's quack is the only sound that doesn't echo, and NOBODY KNOWS WHY!"
"All polar bears are left-handed!"
"This will be the first month in 787 years with FIVE Fridays!"
So, early 2000s
The Mad Hatter and March Hare
I'm supposed to get married this year but look around. How can I bring a wife into this world
*movie villain bursts into a room, screaming, waving an axe and chasing everyone*
my mom: is that the bad guy?
Call me old fashioned, but when I see a mouse I immediately jump on a chair, roll up my pants legs and yell EEK
Was looking through my old posts for bangers to recycle and someone must've deleted them all
the cast of Star Trek Voyager in street clothes awkwardly posing with late-90s computer hardware and consumer electronics
this is what it feels like to post on bluesky
(using the end slices of a loaf of bread) i'm so brave
i love the dogfood ads comparing our pets to their wild wolf relatives bounding through the woods but mine will whine and cry for an hour when a cheerio rolls under the china hutch
JUDGE: I sentence you to 37 years in prison
ME: nah
JUDGE: what
ME: I’m not vibing that
JUDGE: I see
ME: yeah
JUDGE: I guess you’re free to go then
ME: peace out my robed brother
JUDGE: that is the coolest guy I’ve ever seen it was an honor to let him go
who wants to sit on a hay bale and start a jug band with me
I wonder how many of the Gen Z respondents are unmarried and completely unaware of the massive reality check awaiting them.
ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”
WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney
Think I'll just lie here under this tree until I'm fossilized in amber
I'm no quitter
Cut my index fingertip scar-level deep with scissors while trying to cut a piece of dental floss (the little cutter on the floss box was dull and I got impatient).
I can do the splits exactly once
[first day as a stormtrooper]
me: *expertly shooting all of the enemies*
darth vader: (clears throat) can i see you in my office please
The person who stole my identity can keep it. From now on I am Prince Lars Everhard from the Eastern lands
Are there still wise old men living on mountaintops I can ask for advice or is that no longer a thing
Marlon's not even on the Mt Rushmore of funny Wayanses.
At my first job a little old lady briefly held me at shotgun-point after mistaking me for a burglar.
I have lots of skeletons in my closet, but they're mostly from rotisserie chickens
THERAPIST: and this one?
ME: that looks like you kissing my mum.
THERAPIST: what about this one?
ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these?
THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.
boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog
Filing all of my job responsibilities under "side quests"
My childhood led me to believe that I would really, really need to have the names of the 50 state capitals at my fingertips at all times
Elon Musk & X @elonmusk •3h Grok can help with your taxes James Burnham @x@Burn....6h Doublecheck your taxes with @grok. A friend had Grok doublecheck TurboTax and it increased her tax refund by $1400. That covers nearly four years of Grok Premium!...
jfc no i will not be doing any such thing
Sam Reich of Dropout on Game Changer holding up a gold plaque saying "THIS BIT 10X". The caption says "You've done this bit 10 times."
Incredibly deployable image for Bluesky posts
Deadline article: Hulu Developing Animated Action Comedy Series 'The Kids From S.I.P.P.Y. From Branson Reese & Nicole Silverberg By Matt Grobar March 2, 2026 2:30pm Two pictures: one of a mustachioed man who looks like the smoking breakroom aliens from Men In Black and the other of my beautiful wife Nicole. Both photos were taken by the extremely talented Mindy Tucker.
Let's fucking go
