Kace McDonald

Kid Rock is what happens when karaoke confidence evolves unchecked.

It’s not Christmas until someone warns you might shoot your eye out.

Created confusion. Offered clarity.

fled the scene but waved. manners cost nothing.

parallel-parked the getaway car. professional courtesy.

Saturday night. What shenanigans are we into?

Me: If humans evolved from apes, what if apes are still evolving and we’re just the beta version?

Apple Store employee: Sir, your phone just needs a screen protector.

A kid beats an arcade game so hard he gets recruited by aliens.

The Last Starfighter (1984) rocks.

Heading into the produce section.

If anyone wants to be baptized by lukewarm grocery store mist like it’s a ceremonial rite of adulthood, text me.

Tobacco speaks with the voice of prayer. It is how we reach for the unseen. how we say thank you and please in the oldest language we have.

When we offer it to the Earth, to the fire, or to the river, we are not giving away something we are entering into an agreement of respect.

Miami Connection (1987)

Friendship, ninjas, and synth rock — the holy trinity of 80s cinema.

It’s like someone filmed a karate class field trip and called it a feature film.

Samurai Cop (1991)

The hair. The line delivery.

It’s like if a shampoo commercial tried to make a crime thriller but forgot what crime is.

Welcome to adulthood. You now say “oof” every time you sit down.

When you watch a movie and the soundtrack keeps insisting something exciting is happening. But it’s just all lies.

I said no to an impulse Amazon purchase and honestly should be on a TED Talk stage.

Nothing says “steamy passion” like explaining quantum mechanics in a flannel shirt while standing in a cornfield.

Dear autocorrect, I never meant “duck.” Not once. Not ever.

Ancestors: teaching lessons through Coyote stories and sacred songs.

Me: sending memes instead of calling back.

Imagine you dreamt about a ninja movie after eating three gas station hot dogs and falling asleep to Knight Rider.

Now imagine that dream was filmed without edits and released to the public.

Ah, the 80s… 😌🤌🏻

Sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.

Fall. 🍂

When the first cold front hits and suddenly you’re wearing flannel like you own a lumber company.

For my next act, I’ll forget why I went to the store and come home with snacks instead.

Sorry I’m late, I had to finish absolutely none of my tasks first.

The Star People came by and showed me a map of the galaxy.

I explained to them the In-N-Out secret menu. Both are sacred journeys.

Sorry I didn’t pick up, I was busy pretending my phone didn’t exist.

I’ll put on chapstick and immediately need to eat.

Adulthood is just a long series of trying to remember your passwords while wondering if you left the stove on or if you even own a stove.

My favorite summer tradition is complaining about summer until it’s fall, then immediately missing it.

Don’t overthink it.

Bold of you to assume I have an underthink setting.

If someone’s lighting fireworks with a cigarette and the words “Hold my beer” are said, go ahead and pre-dial 9-1. Just be ready for that last 1.