Shout-out to anyone who's ordered a family takeaway from their local Chinese place that has a new website only to discover it's a totally different Chinese in a town 100 miles away with the same name.
Sorry to hear Van Winkle died
Enjoy what you can
All babies together, everyone a seed
One percent are satisfied, 99 in need
Love's bountiful in us, tarnished by our greed
Oh, when will there be a harvest for the world?
To cut a long story short I became a literary editor.
Imagine how scary Marine Le Pen would be if she were land-based.
Who can forget this brilliant song by Gerry Baker with the iconic trumpet intro. Mistakenly rumoured to have been played by Henry Kelly from Blockbusters
No live coverage? It's The Nationals.
I thought Conclave was excellent entertainment, especially when Isabella Rossellini appeared as Sister George Michael from Derry Girls.
Last night in Birmingham
"I'm sorry I didn't read enough of your email to get to the part where it said Read All of This Email."
Nothing succeeds like a tennis groupie
I can't go to the local recycling centre/tip very often because I find it exhausting coming up with a new facial expression every time I pass the same person between my car and the bins.
Not now Elon!
No, you fuck off!
Lots of people believe in solipsism.
I thought it was just me.
My current hearing aids let me hear things that I haven't been able to for many years. One of those things is the sound of birds. Sometimes their singing is nice.
The other day in my garden is a wood pigeon would not stop saying My toes hurt, Betty.
First the clocks went back and now the year has gone forward. When oh when will they make up their minds?
Woke at ten this morning. Then I was a bit right wing until lunchtime.
What's the most romantic Christmas gift that will fit through a Night-Pay window?
In honour of Eddie Stobart there will on Monday be a side by side procession of lorries up the M11. No cars will be able to overtake.
In other words, business as usual.
Well thank you very much history teachers in 1978 for the Wolf Hall spoilers.
Think before you speak next time
Just looking around for a couple of stocking fillers. Have you seen the price of prosthetic limbs?
My life has been like a long series of away fixtures at obscure Eastern European football clubs
Ludogorets, I've had a few.
- Patience is a virtue
- Took you long enough to say so
All these lovely people in Scunthorpe came out on a terrible weather evening to be a great audience
Yes I'm aware I've done this joke on the same day for the last 15 years or so but I'm always excited to start an advent colander
The beautiful Regal Theatre Minehead
Spending a couple of days gigging in Yorkshire. Hawarth last night followed by a hike around Brontë country today.
