Ryan Coffey

yeah maybe repetition legitimises but im sick of hearing it

Parents of 2 are always saying how they have to divide and conquer.
The kids are dividing YOU.
YOU'RE PLAYING RIGHT INTO THEIR HANDS DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE GALLIC WARS??

Any dinner party guest; dead or alive? I'm picking the first guy to ever ride a horse because you know he's bringing the hectic energy that merits the bag I'm packing

"This site has cookies - Accept Decline"

I already have
that's why I'm ordering cookies

life before kids is like being an @ symbol before emails were invented
then suddenly you're super busy and fuck all is being achieved

A tale from my childhood

As a kid I mistook Kosher for Copha and I thought the Jewish community were powered entirely by chocolate crackles

Ocean's 11?
More like Stealy Dan

I don't know how to pronounce Açaí and that makes no impact on my ability to not order it

I havent been to Sydney in so long that for a minite there i forgot Toohey's New existed

High-waisted pants are in!
I've been high and wasted for 20 years.
I didn't realise they had merch

Holiday Hack: if you see carollers, call the cops and tell them it's a rally for a Jewish man
The cops should disperse them and technically you haven't lied

I can be ambidextrous with one hand tied behind my back

Not sure if these are ill begotten woes or woe begotten ills

"Maybe if I work out a bit I could look look that" i say, looking at a man who does literally nothing but work out as a job for instagram

I was worried that "a penny for your thoughts" hasn't been adjusted for inflation but I've been listening to some people's thoughts recently and it seems the value is still accurate

I lost Whamaggeddon in November which says more about society than it does about me really

Opening a vape store called Mist Opportunity

I've got a body like James Bond.
Unfortunately it's Timothy Dalton and he's 78

More idioms we need to update (and why):

- no pain, no gain
(pain 📈 = gain 📉)

- every cloud has a silver lining
(no those are "forever chemicals")

Idioms we need to update (and why):
- there's plenty more fish in the sea
(there aren't)
- a bad tradesman blames their tools
(they blame the government)
- once bitten, twice shy
(might need 3 or 4 bites, research on-going)

I've got more money than God
Actually God has none, so maybe I have slightly less money than God but it's close, so I've got that going for me

Out here sucking on my keys and starting the car with a vape.
How you all doing?

Might be because you're a fish?

Daughter woke up from a nightmare so I climbed into bed with her and fell asleep and instantly has a nightmare
Sorry kid, you're on your own, rooms haunted, best of luck

So grateful the we dont celebrate Thanksgiving

This excuses all of your other dull posts. It's a read bread redemption

About to hit double digits
the skies truly are bluer gee whizz

Each year rabbit throws a dart at a calendar and that sends a chocolate factory into hyper-ovulation and now you know how they pick when Easter is #science