Muppet Quotes

DR. PHIL VAN NEUTER: ♫ I have a platinum card, a platinum card, a platinum card, I have a platinum card, and you all just have green ones! ♫

#MuppetsTonight30

KERMIT: Uh, uh, Gonzo, uh, what do we have in the budget for Mr. Short?
GONZO: Well, let's see, uh, we've got tap water. Uh, pretzel rods, and all the coins that he can find in the sofa.
MARTIN SHORT'S AGENT: You've got yourself a deal.

#MuppetsTonight30

WALDORF: Same as it ever was.
STATLER: Same as it ever was.
WALDORF: Yeah.
BOTH: Terrible!

#MuppetsTonight30

NIGEL: Oh, good grief. Spamela's smoking.
RIZZO THE RAT: Haha, is she ever!
NIGEL: No, no, no, somebody get a fire extinguisher!

#MuppetsTonight30

GONZO: Let's see here... on Monday we have "Murphy Prawn..."
RIZZO THE RAT: That's my favorite.
GONZO: …and "The Single Duck in the City With His Apartment Full of Friends…"
RIZZO THE RAT: That one too.

#MuppetsTonight30

(Clockwise from top left) Seymour, Andy and Randy Pig, Bobo, Clifford, Miss Piggy, Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, Johnny Fiama, and Pepe gather around a KMUP Studios television camera. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

Everybody, take your place! This Sunday, Muppets Tonight celebrates its 30th anniversary, so we'll be serving up some quotes from the show all this week. Follow along with #MuppetsTonight30!

CHARLIE McCARTHY: I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.
EDGAR BERGEN: Now, Charlie, please.
McCARTHY: Yeah, all right. Sometimes I have dinner with frogs though.
KERMIT: Oh, well, that's nice.
McCARTHY: Yes, they're delicious.
KERMIT: Now that's not nice.

NURSE PIGGY: Dr. Bob! This is an operating room. We've got to be serious now.
DR. BOB: Why? We've never been serious before.

Chris Knowings, wearing a blue shirt with white, red, yellow, green, and orange stripes, blue jeans, and a watch, smiles as he sits on a stool surrounded by Cookie Monster, who has a cookie in his mouth, Elmo, and Telly Monster. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

(from PBS' "American Graduate")

CHRIS: School was nervous, but it was worth it, because I had a great time.

Happy Birthday, Chris Knowings!

GONZO: Are you crazy? That really hurt.
FOZZIE BEAR: Oh... Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.
GONZO: Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.

ROWLF: Usually this bird's a great performer... but tonight, she laid an egg.

CAPTAIN SMOLLETT: Where to, Captain Hawkins?
JIM HAWKINS: To wherever the wind may take us!
GONZO: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!
RIZZO THE RAT: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

#MuppetTreasureIsland30

RIZZO THE RAT: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

#MuppetTreasureIsland30

STATLER: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.
WALDORF: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

#MuppetTreasureIsland30

(From Elmo's World: Holidays:)
GIRL: I like Ramadan because it makes me feel good that I'm with my family.
BOY: Ramadan makes me feel happy to respect my God and my elders.

Ramadan Mubarak, Muppet fans!

Fred the Wonder Horse looks off in the distance. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

GROVER: This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
FRED THE WONDER HORSE: I wanna say one word to you - plastics!

Happy Lunar New Year, Muppet Fans! Enjoy the year of the horse!

BLIND PEW: Oh a pretty little girl is it? Yes, take me to Billy Bones, ma pet!
JIM HAWKINS: You've got it all wrong, there's no Billy Bones here, and I'm not a girl!
BLIND PEW: I may be visually challenged, but I can see you're lying!

#MuppetTreasureIsland30

JIM HAWKINS: I hate my life.
GONZO: I hate your life, too.
RIZZO THE RAT: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

#MuppetTreasureIsland30

(From left) Rizzo the Rat, Gonzo, Kermit as Captain Abraham Smollett, and Fozzie Bear as Squire Trelawney, stand in a ship's crow's nest as they search for land. Kermit holds a spyglass, and Fozzie holds a map. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

This celebration has begun! Today marks the 30th anniversary of Muppet Treasure Island, so to celebrate, we're sharing some classic quotes from the film all this week. Keep a weather eye out with #MuppetTreasureIsland30!

John Tartaglia stands in front of (from left to right) Red, Wembley, Boober, Gobo, and Mokey, as they appear in Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock. Tartaglia, wearing blue jeans and a white Fraggle Rock shirt with Sprocket on it, points to Gobo waving behind him. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

"Fraggle Rock is the reason that I became a puppeteer. When I was seven years old, I saw Fraggle Rock, for the first time, and the first character that I remember physically seeing on the screen was Gobo."

Happy Birthday, John Tartaglia!

WASHINGTON: Knock knock.
LINCOLN: Who's there?
WASHINGTON: George.
LINCOLN: George who?
WASHINGTON: George Washington.
ROOSEVELT: Hmm.
JEFFERSON: I see.
LINCOLN: Very good, George.

Happy Presidents' Day, Muppet fans!

Kirk Thatcher, wearing a back top hat and jacket, holds up a blue alien-esque creature with eyes on the side of its head, which has a tail coming out the back. The creature also wears a bow above its eyes, as well as a yellow shirt and red overalls. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

"I worked with a lot of people in Hollywood... and they’re not terrible people but you don’t get that same sort of feeling and respect. Jim [Henson] was always great at looking at his employees as equals and not as an underling."

Happy Birthday, Kirk Thatcher!

MISS PIGGY: I spied because I care!
KERMIT: Well I care, too!
MISS PIGGY: Well, why don't you say so?
KERMIT: I JUST DID!
MISS PIGGY: ALL RIGHT!

Happy Valentine's Day, Muppet fans!

LESLIE UGGAMS: Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower?
LEW ZEALAND: Well, you gotta have sole. And if you can't get sole, use halibut.

SCOOTER: Dizzy Gillespie? Dizzy Gillespie, fifteen seconds to curtain, Dizzy! Oh, uh. Say, Diz. Kermit does have one rule for this show.
DIZZY GILLESPIE: What's that?
SCOOTER: No puppets allowed.
GILLESPIE: What? Guess I have to play the trumpet then?

STATLER: I wouldn't mind the show if they just got rid of one thing.
WALDORF: What's that?
STATLER: Me.

Kathryn Mullen, wearing a brown sweater and light blue turtleneck, smiles in front of a brown background. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

"It’s the kind of hand where you just develop as you go. You’re thinking of things all the time... It was very kind of organic, there was never any plan behind it. It just happened naturally. And it was always that way with the Muppets."

Happy Birthday, Kathryn Mullen!

Tyler Bunch, wearing a light blue shirt and gray jacket, smiles as he has his arm around Louie. (Image courtesy of Muppet Wiki)

"...If you're open for it, there's always something to be learned about the art of storytelling and the opportunity to keep learning is probably, I think, the best thing I can give myself, and [something I] hope that I [can] keep doing."

Happy Birthday, Tyler Bunch!

DIANA ROSS: Kermit, first I want to tell you, that audience is so great out there. I really do love doing this show. It's the best!
KERMIT: Uh, uh, yeah, well, well, they certainly love you a lot. It's just uh, well it's just... us that they hate.

BERT: If you're a football player, tell me, what is your team called, huh?
ERNIE: We're called the Dirty Rugs, Bert!
BERT: The Dirty Rugs? Now, why would any team call themselves the Dirty Rugs?
ERNIE: Because everybody's always beating us!

Enjoy the big game, Muppet fans!