mindflakes

the best way to eat a circular food is to rotate it very fast and take little bites until it disappears. hamsters are right about this

You can’t outrun the consequences of being stupid forever, but sometimes you don’t notice them, due to being stupid

I've formed a covenant with 6 other residents in my building where we all joint-own a single toaster and we each get to use it 1 day of the week. Also sometimes we solve mysteries together

it should be socially acceptable to lick your plate clean if the meal was so good it moved you to do so

Using a crowbar to pry the metal panels off the side of a bus so I can harvest the succulent busmeat within

Me: It’s Friday
People on here: It’s Friday for me as well
Me: We agree
People: Yes for this whole day

birds are such fascinating creatures. they can fly and sing, all the things humans dream of. they can even eat worms

Big fan of this idea. You could call them squasages

Square pizzas should be the standard. Square drinks and sides too. "Give me 17 square inches of dinner," you could say

You can drop your unwanted nail clippings or clumps of hair in any of the earths many crevices. The strange hybrid creatures who live down there will thank you warmly for the gesture

this new tape i bought is PERFECT for ducts

The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born. Now is the time of emails.

basically i no longer believe french fries are bad for you. they just aren’t

(arm falling off) my posting arm..... (other arm falls off) my other posting arm

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

do you think you could drink a 12-ounce can of soda of your choosing every day for a week for 76 million dollars? the catch is that during that week, you’re not allowed to travel to columbus, georgia unless you already had plans to or you just want to

I've never "carried the one." If the two digits add up to more than nine, that's not my problem

I tried reducing my dog's polygon count to improve loading times but I accidentally rendered him as an infinitesimal one-dimensional point in spacetime and now I can't remember where I left him

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

a good thing is when someone posts a picture of a cat, and then people reply with "great cat, here also is a picture of my cat." unsolicited cat pics aplenty. this could be the world we build

Making tiny helmets and goggles for my rats so I can send them through the pneumatic tube system at the bank

I can't wait to pound my fists and scream "Lunch!" at exactly twelve noon tomorrow

loved the message dude. the little face at the end... fantastic. an "emoji", i assume. does he represent you or me?

My door is always open if anyone wants to drop by and listen to some of the new noises I've been making recently

guys make sure you rinse your electronics thoroughly before consuming them

You must forgive the occasional typo; my eyes were originally adapted for subterranean darkness.

i'm sneaking my own original dishes onto the buffet table to build word of mouth buzz for my recipes

TURTLES:

-what are they hiding in there?
-crimes?

I've developed a new 9-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash/deodorant/mouthwash/cat food/motor oil/industrial solvent/condiment called "The Fluid"

i think i’ll go dig a hole in my backyard and move into it