Please excuse me from gym

I don’t get texts from my mum; they’re faxes.

Bob with some smart reverse psychology there. #lufc

You just need the right driving music.

Someone at Stockley Park does this every time an #lufc player is fouled in the box.

Great team…one of the biggest and most respected in England. #lufc

Hadaway and shite, man.

It doesn’t matter how VAR fucks us over, as long as it does.

Nope. My Sex is absolute drivel.

Another fun fact: They had to use a cover version in Abigail’s Party, because the original version was banned by the BBC.

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The US complaining about countries joining wars late.

Naïve. Should have got him round the neck. #lufc

*Joke about elite forces taking throw-ins.

“Anti-football”

I know it was a penalty, Ethan. You broke my heart.

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When Fulham roll over tomorrow night. #lufc

Vauxhall Insinkia.

I’ve got Virgin Media, so all my channel numbers are different, but it looks like it’s only on TNT. I think Sky’s all EFL tonight.

And Greenland isn’t in the US.

No Leeds game for me tonight then. Sky TV even shitter than normal. #lufc

All Free Hit FC, aren’t we? #lufc

Frank, Lamp, Hards, Cove, Entry and City. Am I doing this right?

Funniest result in Manchester since this one. #lufc

“My core voters have left me, I’m in a mood”

This is my new favourite toy.

That Lot from Sheffield with Loads of Ex-Leeds Players.