My word, I've seen everything now. . .

Good to see the President consulting Luis Suárez on the Middle East. He'll get his teeth into this, for sure.

Thank you, we miss not doing it though very excited to reveal we have been back in the studio recording something new which should be unveiled in the next few weeks.

If football was a foreign exchange programme from the 1980s.

"I'm shocked, Anthony! Peter Mandelson and Prince Andrew seemed like such stand up, decent blokes!"

Colin from Portsmouth can't believe the Epstein findings.

POV Abraham Lincoln invites you to the theatre.

Heavy sighs, repressed emotions, and, erm, penalty decisions. . .

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If the history of life on earth is condensed into a single day, then humans did not appear until 11:59pm and 59 seconds, so one second before midnight.
And if you look closely you can see James Milner coming on for his first Premier League appearance.

We actuallly did a similar thing in my day, but with oven-ready chickens.

It weren't like this in my day.

When I went back to Derby County, I booed myself in my own face.

In advance of a live appearance this evening in Bethnal Green (tickets here: backyardcomedyclub.co.uk/event/link/?...) I am reminded of another speaking engagement a few years ago:

Dishing the dirt. On myself.
#Fiveankles #PrincessAnne #Football

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3. Booked once in the second half whilst one-nil up for Burton Albion for taking eight minutes to tie my boot lace, then shown a second yellow after asking the fourth official to help me fill in a tax return on the halfway line to properly “slow things down.”

2. Sent off playing for Leyton Orient for “unsporting behaviour” after insisting on playing the second half under one of those golfing umbrella hats. Because it was drizzling and I’d just had my barnet done.

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I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.

Hey Ross, thanks for asking, we'd love to do another season of Sports Horn and are currently talking with various sponsors about injecting some cash into it. It's close to a full time job and whilst we love doing it, it currently earns us between £25 and £100 a month which is not viable.

Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.

Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .

The Premier League is back!
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .

My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.

Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.

It needs to be that big because everything I say into it is big and important and massive.

Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.