elly’s scream hole (PRIVATE)

like…it wasn’t bad enough for me to assert the Big Bad Boundary that earned me 1.5 weeks of the silent treatment, but good lord dude

I can’t wait until Orange Man croaks because this fucking movement turned military-dictatorship will be effectively defanged without his ass

(somehow) all of us calmed down and had a marginally normal dinner, but I’m at the end of my rope with conservatives and right-wingers writ large

ten years of this shit and ppl twice my age still can’t handle the controversial truth that the Orange Man is indeed Bad

grow tf up!! seriously

also not my dad’s enabling ass trying to be the centrist, “both sides are bad” “voice of reason” while also attacking my arguments way more than her’s

oh, pointing out that ICE act like Nazi brownshirts is “extremist” now? are we throwing a party? did we invite Bari fucking Weiss?

really loved that I had a mostly pleasant visit at my parents’ house, only for my mother to bait me into an argument about people protesting ICE

and here I thought I was going to stop falling for this shit

[insert Tim Heidecker ‘the fuck? I fucked up. I fucked up’ tweet here]

like afaik the statewide MN str!k3 last week was effective because everyone was in on it and were already organizing together

I wish this sort of news was spread around faster and not abruptly

I get that they’re all-around disruptive by nature and aren’t meant to be at everyone’s convenience, I just feel like a scab anytime I can’t drop everything I’m working on and participate

extremely selfish complaint, but I kinda wish activists spread announcements of str!king—especially at a national level—earlier and more widely

like I didn’t even know there was a national str!ke against !C3 until two days ago and I couldn’t participate due to a work project I needed to complete

Whether or not your abusers happen to fall into a neatly defined diagnostic category, whether or not their behavior is in any way understandable or explicable-- whether they can actually "help it" or not-- you did not & do not deserve to be their scapegoat or prey.

The goal of trauma recovery is not to make us "normal." "Normal" ceased being an option awhile ago-- but that's actually the good news. "Normal" won't give us the sense of safety & certainty our wounded heart needs.

Recovery is distinctly "abnormal"-- in the best way.

they really never stopped being neoconservatives, deep in my heart I already knew this

but hey I guess it’s cool when your favorite dipshit fascist manchild nearly starts WWIII, then TACO’s once he gets legitimate pushback

~Art of the Deal~

seeing parents slob Trump’s knob over being an interventionist neocon lunatic in the family group chat, more like “come on man, I just ate”

I’m leaning towards 2, so basically I’m getting retaliatory silent treatment now

almost as a way to assert who’s *really* in control, because how DARE any of her children impose any sort of boundary on their own mother

God, she’s such a piece of shit

I have two guesses

1) she will retaliate by dropping her punishment when I least expect it, disrupting my ability to function yet again

2) this waiting period *is* the punishment since I dared to set the mild boundary of “if you yell at me again, I will refrain from talking to you for a few days”

love to have my neurological wiring to be under the sway of an emotionally unstable parent, which allows her inevitable retaliation to hang over my head like a fucking Sword of Damocles

I’ve been wavering in and out of hyper-vigilance for the past few days, and it’s so exhausting man

I hate that my body’s hard-wired like this

CPTSD survivors who had the experience in childhood of our caretakers intentionally triggering us, often to justify punishing (i.e., abusing) us, are in particular need of adult relationships where expectations are clear & communication is frequent & transparent.

Many CPTSD survivors have had our trauma responses-- which are REFLEXES-- framed as "defiance," & used an an excuse to ostracize or punish us. Which is why it's so, so, so important in recovery to be crystal clear that we are NOT "choosing" trauma responses to be "difficult."

When we experience trauma responses, it can feel as if we're "out of control"-- when the reality is, survivors imperfectly managing our trauma responses are very often more emotionally & behaviorally regulated than our abusers ever were at any time.

idk I’ve never done this before and the uncertainty—coupled with the knowledge that it will likely get worse before it gets better—is really scary

I’m doing better now that I talked to my therapist and got this off my chest, but I’m hitting the bed

more than anything I need rest

I admittedly am worried about being able to see my dog

he’s one of the few things that keeps me sane whenever I visit and I know he won’t live for very long

he’s 7 going on 8, so I worry constantly about the inevitable and want to see him as much as I can

I’m tired of being her emotional punching bag every fucking time her untreated mental illness acts up. it’s caused me nothing but misery and pain my whole life

I just want her to stop hurting me and to leave me alone to be myself, as she could never possibly accept

I’m not discussing my breakdown with anyone I don’t trust. that was my gender dysphoria coming to a head and I absolutely refuse to come out to her

she’s getting way too close for comfort and I’m not giving her that information willingly

got emotionally blackmailed and guilt-tripped, tried to bring up my emotional breakdown from my sister’s wedding…

I just can’t keep doing this anymore

I hate feeling like a fucking hostage negotiator every time I push back or say something that pisses her off (which is ridiculously easy)

when Mom sent me one of her ultra-rare limited edition apology texts, I accepted it but said that what she did wasn’t okay and will need to not talk to her for a few days

she…didn’t like that

and that was me soft-launching the real boundary I wanted to go with (one week)

WELP, she got really fucking angry with me for apparently mentioning church plans and blew the fuck up in my texts

cried and yelled a fuckton and talked to my therapist in an emergency session, decided I need to start setting boundaries if I want this shit to stop

I just get so tired of this expectation she has that we all ought to do what she wants to do

we’re older and we have our own lives now

thinking about any of this has completely soured my mood

also, any patriotic celebration in 2026 feels like participating in a fucking Nuremberg rally, even more so than it already did

it’s gross and white supremacist and I’m not fucking with that

the thought of it makes me feel sick

I think my brother’s taking one for the team, but now my anxiety’s ticking back up

I just don’t know if I’ll be guilt-tripped and nagged to death because they helped me move early last year

1) I’m nearly 35 and haven’t lived with her since 2019, so I’m not easily forced to go to things she likes anymore

2) my pinko commie ass wants no parts of any settler-colonialism celebrations, especially as the current president is doing a full-fledged ethnic cleansing operation

Mom’s doing that thing where she wants to go to all these patriotic events for the 250th anniversary of the US and drag us (her kids) along

celebrating this country? in 2026?

you’re kidding me, right?