Ian Power

"How was your date?"

"She's beautiful and kind."

"You'll see her again then?"

"She thought Miranda was funny."

"Plenty more fish in the sea, mate.”

Nobody's perfetc.

My elderly neighbour's a lazy fucker. He's been napping in his conservatory for two days non-stop now.

I once saw a Range Rover park in a disabled bay. The driver didn't have a badge. I told him having a small penis doesn't count. *proud face*

You've seen Airplane, surely?

Apparently the Mick Jagger, Marianne Faithfull and a Mars bar story isn't true. I know you don't care now, but it was a hot topic back then.

I, for one, am looking forward to President Trump winning the next Nobel Peace Prize.

Social media’s great for those who believe they need more ignorance and stupidity in their lives.

A colleague told me he used to work with a Kay Cole. They referred to her as "shut your". It took a few seconds but made me laugh.

NOW!

WHAT DO WE WANT?

TIME TRAVEL!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Tap water?

No.

Bottled water?

No.

Rain water?

No.

Muddy puddle with green scum on top water?

FUCK, YEAH!

~ My dog.

Recreate the joy of having teenage kids by talking to brick walls and giving lots of money to people who think you're an idiot.

I just happily discussed last week's Gardeners' World special with my neighbour. It's all over for me, isn't it?

There’s little interest in bank saving account puns.

I’m - they’ll always be Marathons to me - years old.

Fuck's sake! I've been lost on spaghetti junction for 30 minutes now. This is past a joke.

Marge Simpson’s family emigrated to America from High Barnet.

Electronics manufacturer, Siemens, used to have a regional office in Staines. They always had trouble recruiting receptionists.

Do you remember the fashion for baggy trousers? It was madness, wasn't it?

Life tip: if you're happy don't show it. There'll always be some arsehole who'll resent that and try their best to change it.

Just read a piece about rich influencers trapped in Dubai and I don’t know when my tears will cease.

I think we're due a bad spell of wether.

I’m - I can remember the lyrics to obscure 80s songs but can’t remember why I’ve just come into this room - years old.

I came into some money recently. The bank teller wasn't impressed.

My drama about The Red Arrows has been commissioned by ITV3. We hope to start filming a pilot in May.

I’m - nods approvingly at the quality of strong bin liners - years old.

I'm on the French carb-free diet. It's tough, but you know what they say: no pain, no gain.

If they don’t play classical music and serve real ale I’d want my money back.

Fucking foreigners, coming over here and saying something sensible!

My dog growls at his own arse after he's farted. I love that idiot.