6 stages of LDS apologetics:
1. Anti-Mormon lie!
2. Scholars disagree
3. Anti-Mormon lies have distorted the facts
4. We don’t fully understand why the Lord let it happen
5. Here’s a nice video admitting we always knew
6. We’ve always taught that it happened. You must not have studied enough
Hey friends. *Urgent* ask.
“You think THIS hurts?!” one of the ancient disciples reportedly shouted while smiting the whistleblower with a rod. “Try sorrowing for the sins of the world all the fucking time!”
“You know God really cares about this because it’s one of only two recorded times He’s intervened directly with his modern prophets this way,” says Nelson.
“When am I gonna use this anyway?” asks Kayleigh. “It’s been 22 years.”
“There’s no doubt about what’s going on here,” says police sergeant Nephi Monson. “What gives away that this is a coffee lab is the fact that it’s a coffee lab.
At press time, the church was restoring the phrase “white and delightsome” to the Book of Mormon.
“I’ve been looking at pictures and paintings of Him my whole life,” says one of the agents. “I’m pretty sure I’d know what He looks like, and this guy obviously ain’t it if you know what I mean.”
“By any historical standard, Lamar’s song egregiously mischaracterizes Joseph Smith as a ‘certified loverboy’ and a ‘certified pedophile,’” the church’s statement says. “Faithful saints know him as a certified prophet, seer, and revelator.”
“If the game is already gonna be a victory for Oregon State, we might as well not make it a victory for Satan too,” says a BYU official.
“I bet he only left because he wanted to get a globe,” says the apostate’s brother.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The King of Rock and Roll will not be a king and priest unto the Most High, ruled a celestial judge Tuesday citing Elvis’ owning a Book of Mormon as evidence that he had “enough of a shot” in mortality.
“Brigham Young was a courageous pioneer who by any historical standard is egregiously portrayed in the series,” the church says. “As long as you use a standard that disregards all the blood atonement, racism, human trafficking, slavery, mob castration, and genocide.”
