Lizzy

If I can’t taste it the calories don’t count

When people tell you you're too much.

Simply know they are just not enough.

irreverent internet comedians rise up

i was told social media was a waste of time on weekends and gdi i hate it when my mother is right

a raccoon being held by the scruff of their neck

look who i found in my trash once again

MAKE YOUR OWN NINJA TURTLE You've probably heard of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but how much do you know about the REAL story? DISCOVER THE DARK TRUTH INSIDE!

“When I was your age all I wanted in life was to be a ninja turtle. It was the only thing that made sense to a young man with severe emotional problems, and it still is.”

noahgrim.com/make-your-ow...

my name is Ty, or Brent. i am 42 years old. i think hearing Spanish is the worst thing that can happen to a person. i have sexually harassed every woman who works at the nearby starbucks. all my sons are named Bryson. last year i drunk drove my dodge ram into a day care center

I get it, moon. My gibbous is waning, too.

A roll of paper caps

Putting one of these on its side and hitting it with a hammer would fix me

Oh, hey, look at Jesus in his Crocs, hanging above the altar for all to bask in his comfortable glory.

I'm more like carpaccio that's been beaten to hell

I thought a cock tease was just someone showing off their chickens.

Thought I was posting to my drafts this whole time. Oopsies.

asking a friend if he can send me the picture that he just showed me of his wife

I'm sorry I led you on, but that was the only way I could get someone to check me for ticks.

Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

youtu.be/nsp7NODvtGY?...

#artmoon Revolver

if you start getting nostalgic all of a sudden does that mean you’re gonna die soon?

mfer forgot the word humidifier and asked if the air wetter was on

selfie of me sitting in a blue chair. Olive the orange tabby cat is stretched across my lap with her paws hanging over my side. You can see her right hind foot in the corner of the frame. It's so cute. she looks indignant, as always.

LOOK

IT'S A LION

OH MY GOD

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

Salonpas pain relief patch on a lower back

my lower back tattoo is healing nicely

if only more people got they booty on the floor tonite

troof

I hate it when somebody in a movie has a problem. Can’t they just have a nice time

Never ask a woman her dress size or a bipolar person why they’re up late.

Some of you never "Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i" and it shows

Oh no, I’m not reckless. I thought you said recluse.

Love you 😘 you endured the worst, lol sorry 🫶

Reminiscing about all the dick pics I’ve received.