Andi 🏳‍⚧ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ)

I just want to be pretty. But it's too late. Maybe next lifetime 😭😭😭

Sorry for the sad posts. Wish I could just push a magic button to unalive, delete myself from the timeline, and erase everyone's memories of me. I don't want to be alive anymore. Not like this. Not with this face and this body. I can't. I'm sorry.

Estrogen is one hell of a drug — but it didn't work on me 😞

Maybe this is how my story ends. No new chapter. No more story left to tell.

My expectations for what HRT could achieve for me were always very low. I knew that I'd likely need surgeries to do the heavy lifting. Even so, I'd secretly hoped that I'd get results comparable to those I saw on social media. My disappointment has been crushing. 😞

The worst is that I think I have "chaser face". IYKYK. How horrible.
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I hope you weren't too disappointed or scared-off by my selfies.
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These are my feet. I was born with a club foot. I can walk (with a limp) but the many surgeries to correct my deformity stunted the growth of my right foot and leg. I can't find nice shoes in a EU48/UK12/US15 and my tendons are too short to wear heels. No stilettos for me ☹️

This is my body after more than 2 years on HRT. I can't stand straight 'cos my right leg is 3.5cm (1⅓ inch) shorter than my left. I have no waist and no hips, and I have a hunched back from bad posture and sitting in front of a computer screen for years.

You should see my Kubrick Stare; I look like Killer BOB or Vigo the Carpathian. 😔
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Face reveal. This is my face now, after 2 years, 2 months and 25 days of HRT. No makeup or filters. Neutral facial expression. No spectacles. I see an old, ugly, worn-out, broken man, kinda scary-looking. 😞
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Selfie taken in June 2021.

Last time I posted selfies, they were 2 and a half years old, and taken before I started HRT. Some people said I'm pretty. But I feel ugly and mannish.

I'm considering posting no-makeup selfies so you can see what I see, but I fear you will be disappointed and unfollow me then.

Of course I'm data sciencing the the sh!t out of my test results. I can't count on my prescribing doctor to check on how I'm doing — they've never even asked to see my test results.

(Incidentally, if anyone wants the Python script I used for the data viz, hit me up.)
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Here's what I'm currently taking:

Weekly:
15mg estradiol enantate (EEn) subQ

Daily:
50mg bicalutamide
200mg progesterone (rectal)
5mg finasteride
30mg citalopram
150μg levothyroxine (for hypothyroidism)
114mg Fe
20mg Zn
100μg Se
10mg folic acid
900μg biotin (B7)
100μg B12
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Some people suggested that my doctor might be underdosing me. Here's a complete history of my levels since I started HRT. I do DIY in addition to what my doctor prescribes me, so I'm not constrained by my prescription.

Complete list of what I'm taking in next post ⤵️
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I came out as trans on Twitter a little over 3 years ago. I have rarely posted selfies anywhere. When I have, they have always been carefully curated, I'm wearing a full face of makeup, and the lighting is good. None of you knows what I really look like. I hate what I see.
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I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I see other girls who started transitioning around the same time as me, and they're so pretty. I see myself, and I ask, "why not me too?" It feels so unfair. I feel cursed. I cry myself to sleep every night. It hurts so much.
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I know that I'll never be pretty. Folks have seen a few carefully curated selfies and told me I'm pretty, but they don't know what I see in the mirror every single day. That sinking feeling when I see myself is awful. I feel like my heart is bleeding from a gaping wound. 💔
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Maybe I'm just annoying and unlikeable? Maybe most of my followers have me muted?

Very few people noticed when I disappeared. Perhaps I come across as parasocial, but I honestly care about the people that I interact with. But I think that to most people here, I'm just words on a screen. I don't matter, and if I unalived, few would even notice I'd gone.

I wish I had a community that I belonged to. I want to meet and hang out with other transfemmes. I want to go out partying, watch dumb movies together, laugh until I cry, and be among people who lift each other up. I wish I could meet my mutuals. Would anyone want to meet me?

When I came out to my previous psychiatrist, she asked me if I was going to get ThE SuRgErY, then refused to see me again.

There's no IRL trans community here in Hungary; everyone has either left, or is leaving soon, and those staying are mostly transmeds and pick-me's.
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I feel so alone. Transitioning is the hardest thing I've ever attempted, and I have no support IRL.

I've been in therapy for over a decade. My current therapist is well-meaning, but doesn't understand that positive affirmations spoken into a mirror can't cure dysphoria.
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I'm sorry that I worried some of you.
I know that some of you tried to reach out to me — thank you 🖤
I was in a much darker place and I wasn't functional at all.
I haven't really done much of anything this past week except dissociate and cry a lot.

I don't think I can bear another few decades living like this, passively waiting for the end. Either my transition is successful — and the signs have not been promising so far — or I check out early. I'd prefer the former, but I need something to happen — soon.
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Some people asked me if I'm safe, but honestly, I don't know what that question means. Like, I don't have a plan, but if I suddenly saw a truck barrelling toward me and I had to get out the way to avoid being hit, what if I just... didn't?
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Bridge. At the far end there's usually concrete at the bottom, not water. I spent a lot of time ruminating about this place last week. However, the Danube flooded and the police closed off the bridge. Also, there would have been too many people around doing disaster tourism.
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I spent a lot of time this past week lying in bed, spacing out and staring blankly up at the ceiling, or quietly sobbing to myself. There just seems little point in doing anything. I can't think of a time when I've been so isolated and felt so hopeless. I hate being alive.
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I'm still alive. I'm not happy about it, ngl.

I don't see a future for myself in which I'm happy. People say, "trust the process", but I've been on HRT for 2 years and nothing has changed. I've lost hope. I can't live like this anymore. I feel so alone and ugly and mannish.
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Sorry for everything