Schmuck In A Truck

For all you know, your toilet is a sentient being, and just as sick of your shit as the rest of us,

The person you are when your dog licks his ass in front of guests is the real you.

What if that dream you had as a kid where your dad was burying the babysitter in the yard wasn't a dream at all?

You look like the kind of guy that posts a thumbs-up pic in Teams while your wife is in labor.

If I ever die with a raging boner, I hope the EMTs hang a little flag off of it to lighten the mood.

At half staff, of course.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but adopting a dog is cheaper than therapy.

If it's not from the Tarifa region of Spain, it's just a sparkling import tax on your own people.

Find you a girl who'll love you more for saving 50% by buying her chocolates tomorrow.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god.....can you tell her

i saw my wife eating grape nuts with my ice cream eating spoon and i’m having a hard time with it. that spoon is for fun only

People that open the microwave early and don't clear the timer are why we can't have nice things.

Autocorrect changed it to "Good Moron" and I left it that way because it knows my true feelings about the recipient.

Ahab was right. That stupid fish had it coming.

Don't order the Chef's Surprise from a waiter wearing a trench coat.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

The Cheesecake Factory doesn't look like a factory at all.

Pizza is a vibe. Pasta is a mood. Parmesan is forever.

if i could save time in a butthole 🎶

my toxic trait is correcting people when they say less instead of fewer

They're so thicc that they should be called manatease.

If I tell you to back that ass up, please don't make the beeping noises.

There are lots of things I find to be detestable that people enjoy. They're all wrong, of course.

Apparently, they don't do digital prostate exams anymore, so I waxed my pooper for nothing.

[1978]

ME: Do you think I could be president?

MY DAD: Sure, anyone can. You just have to work hard, be honest, focus on your education and always put other people's needs and interests ahead of your own.

[2025]

MY SON: Do you think I could be president?

ME: Sure, anyone can.

hot writers near you want to debate the merits of the oxford comma

Reese Witherspoon holding nothing.

Reese Witherspoon holding a spoon.

reese with her spoon

It must be nice to be able to trust your farts.

Pockets on clothes aren't given; they're earned.

Remember when ship traffic stopped during the pandemic and whales started singing different songs because it got so quiet? Anyhoo, sorry I ran over your mailbox

Oh crap, I forgot to use the power of positive thinking, is all this my fault