I saw my father in the mirror this morning The sharpness of his jaw His hair in the 90s, when he was 19 I looked again later and saw my mother The heavy, sad bags under her eyes But also the way her smile stretched across her face The roundness of her cheeks I saw my grandmother in the way I made coffee that evening And remembered her softness Sitting in her lap and watching by soap operas I saw my grandfather’s hands when I went to paint And wondered if his art helped him hurt less too I saw how easily my son found joy in the world And I thought of my sister And how much I missed her laughter No man is an island, and every part of me Is pulled from everyone that I have ever loved

Smiling through the performance of connection Every move I make feels like the wrong one Can’t say what I’d like to say What I need to say It’s too much for now You asked me to wait So I will But I am aching Dying To consume you whole

I’d like to see you fuckers drown Or burn like I do Trying to keep everyone else’s candles lit

There is nothing left in me I say every day And yet somehow You find something to break Every day

The Assyrians believed That dreaming of eating an apple meant you Would get what your heart desires I hope tonight I dream I eat a whole orchard

I can put on a brave face Get up and pretend I can move like I used to And I can do anything I want But when I get home The pretending stops And I am humbled by the pain

Chronic pain

The flowers scream to consume me Earth and Sky agree I long to complete this cycle My flesh rots on the bone Please let me exit Samsara soon

Little moments of annoyance An eye roll, a sigh, tense under my touch I am so sorry I set the bar so low Each little moment, a knife in my heart This taste of my own medicine Has been So Bitter

@xmikaxmayhemx.bsky.social I love you on this account too!

An impossible wish:

To rest
On someone

My brain and body
Go quiet around

When I am murdered They won’t find my head or my hands A simple cruelty To disguise the much larger atrocities

A spotted fawn surrounded by flowers and the text “When I say “Sorry for bothering you.” And they say “You didn’t bother me, I love talking to you!”

The evil that men do lives after them

my mind cannot escape

there's
nothing left to flee to

I cannot disconnect,
I cannot leave,
I cannot be anywhere but
Here

and here is unbearable

I break again
and my light is broken:
there exists nothing
but a chaotic night.

there's

nothing more.

i have to
accept
just
this.

but the hands I called for you with
are burning -
I wish
I could sever every limb
that could not
and cannot
work enough to reach you.

A man with a blue baseball cap stands in a field with a truck and trailer in the background. A rainbow is visible in the distance. Text reads “just reminding everyone that I’ll be turning evil soon and it sucks but it has to happen”

And for my next trick, I’ll break my own heart by exaggerating my place in other people’s lives

Haha oops

It’s ok, I don’t think I actually told anyone what day it was

She says she likes the way I smell again. Cigarette smoke and ash, her favorite brand. My kisses taste good again. I will never stop smoking.

The day I dressed my daughter For the last time I dropped her hand The heaviness of it And the thud of it hitting her empty chest Frightened me like nothing else Ever has

She died one year ago today

Context: I am a trans man lamenting the wrong gender childhood and teenage experiences

Every time I see a boy on a skateboard go by I get a pang of jealousy in my heart “That should’ve been me.”

Lost a pack of cigarettes And then two days later found on on the ground I hope Someone can find the value in something As awful as me, too Even though I am also lost

I feel sick, I hope I’m dying

Lost a pack of cigarettes And then two days later found one on the ground I hope Someone can find the value in something As awful as me, too Even though I am also lost

A close up photo of a baby deer laying in straw looking up at you. Text reads “How I look at someone when they listen and validate my feelings and don’t make me feel dumb for feeling things this deeply”

Three fish in a row. Text reads “I keep the first time you looked at my in my right pocket and every night I unwrap it through layers of memory and talk to it slow and scared”

Do you want the pain of Wounds healing Scars fading Or do you want the pain Of your shackles Forever