The Bearminator

Came for the hors d'oeuvres, stayed for the chaise lounge.

every time i say "bequeath" i need to rinse with mouthwash

today is a shut my office door and play landslide on repeat kinda day

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back?

...Yeah, me neither.

don’t type it
don’t type it
don’t type it
if you are sexually attracted to patrick stewart are you moist by your own picard

they say divorce is hardest on the kids so is that why my ex is acting like a child

Sorry. Still reeling from the time change.

My sister knows some hot and flirty make-up makers and one of them made me blush.

Mustard is more important than shouldard

I like to celebrate international women’s day by making out with my girlfriends

Remind me to never grocery shop without a list (on weed)

i think if dr seuss was alive to see such times he would have said fuck this shit but you know with rhymes

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes.

A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

Some people believe that demons are angels that God expelled from heaven. Others insist they are evil elemental spirits who take pleasure in destroying all that’s good in the world. I just call them my kids.

my favourite angels, ranked:

10. Angels With Dirty Faces
9. Angela Bassett
8. Buffy’s friend
7. Capelli d'angelo pasta
6. Angelópolis, Colombia
5. Angelfish
4. Lucifer
3. Angel by Massive Attack
2. Clarence
1. Angel cake

Not all haunted dolls are Victorian, but all Victorian dolls are haunted

Embarrassed that the automatic paper towel dispenser didn’t wave back.

I have a sneaking suspicion all my sneaking suspicions are becoming full blown frothing verdicts.

Jake being shown how to hold a dowsing rod. Adventure Time

tryna find a decent monday like

a new woman moved in across the hall yesterday. it’s an intimate apartment situation so i assume we’re best friends now. i’ll give her a few days to process before the restraining order

In elementary school a tumbling troupe performed for us and one tumbler said, “somersaulting saved my life,” and I laughed so hard I got kicked out.

I still don’t think using the acquisition of a Klondike Bar as an evaluator of what kind of abhorrent behavior I’m capable of is a good idea. When push comes to shove, rest assured I can go to some dark places.

olive oyl: popeye, help!!

crude oil: stfu, ya skank

[annnnnnd, send 👻]

My cat's shits are getting bigger every day but his diet hasn't changed so does that mean i'm shrinking?

traffic should just move faster

Like the World Bank my rate of interest peaked years ago.

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

Rubbing two breadsticks together to try and light the pizza oven