Lizzlepants 🐒

they should invent guiltless pleasure

ME: if the part of pants you put your leg in is called a pant leg then the part of a shirt you put your arm in should be called a shirt arm

MAGICIAN: ok, nothing up my shirt arm

I’m turning 40 later this month. It’s magical because the brain quietly deletes the file labeled “impress strangers” and you start saying things like:

“No, I’m not going out tonight.”
“That sounds loud.”
“Let’s eat at 5:15 so we beat the crowd.”

My internal dialogue is an unreliable narrator.

My fashion sense is best described as “at the pharmacy buying cough medicine.”

I’m already drained from work next week

as a person who’s posted 22,000 times you’d be surprised how many thoughts i’ve kept to myself

OH SO I ALSO LOSE AN HOUR THIS WEEKEND WHAT ELSE DO YOU PLAN TO TAKE FROM ME

The spaces between the words in my skeets should be read as slaps

On my lunch break I’m heading over to my annoying next-door neighbor’s house to demand his unconditional surrender

Happy birthday 🎁🎉🎂🎈

when you post and that dangling final word all by itself almost makes you cry but then you remember everyone else has a bigger screen

[handing my date her special home cooked meal] they snap, crackle AND pop, Denise

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

I’m so glad I don’t have to finish that high school art project I was just dreaming about

Teaching my cat to do the god damn dishes

So many things one could say about worldwide happenings though holy shit seems to cover just about everything.

the moby dick guy should have set more realistic goals for himself.

“Sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis.”

a gap on my resume that says i didn’t fucking feel like it

Shhhh, baby. It’s ok to not have an opinion.

Are we in Lent yet? I want to carry on exactly as before but I need to know when to start.

Got stoned and forgot to respond to people. If it’s urgent please resend your message in 3–5 business bong rips

We stopped selling lollipops in the gift shop because you people kept being gross with them

they say “between the anus and genitals” way too many times in the jardiance commercial

looks like someone's been eating the trampoline tuna again

i enjoy the hot mic f bombs you get with live sports

who called it horse shit when whinny the poo was right there

My midlife crisis involves me getting tooth gems.

Clearly, with great power comes no responsibility.