DaddyJew

i didn’t cry at all during my date tonight. did i just level up?

Bananas Foster is Australian for Bananas Beer.

if you can’t find your way to me among my eleven pillows on my bed then that’s your problem pumpkin

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

Me: have a nice day

Customer: they stopped making those but thank you

she’s got Betty Crocker eyes

the revolution will be monetized

[handing my date her special home cooked meal] they snap, crackle AND pop, Denise

I believed the weirdest stuff as a kid
sometimes I still have to remind myself that not all cats are female and not all dogs are male smh

microdosing polyamory by having two body pillows

Please, my masculinity, it’s very fragile

The desperate attempt at humor will continue until the world is no longer so heartless and grim my god it is so grim

My hair smells of apple blossom and the blood of my enemies haha what

there’s nothing quite like sending a shitty skeet out into the ethos and being like ‘fuck it, let it ride’

I'm not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing for long periods of time

I learned two things last night:

I shouldn’t drink while watching the news.

And I shouldn’t watch the news.

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf

i have a sneaking suspicion. i have regular suspicions too, but this one is pretty sneaky

I bet you didn’t know your favorite toy as a kid says a lot about who you are today

I stole this from someone who didn’t use alt text. Alt text: a polymarket tweet that says “BREAKING: Anthropic CEO says Claude may or may not have gained consciousness, as the model has begun showing symptoms of anxiety.”

of course it has anxiety, you’re training it on multiple generations of anxious peoples’ content

Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.

they’re just begging for a car chase

If a toy says try me, I'll try it.

I fear I may be suffering from restless mind syndrome.

My superpower is noticing a typo ten minutes too late.

sigh detector test determined that was a sigh

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

my air purifier is always glowing red at me when i smoke weed. like, simmer down, narc, it’s all good.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

*raises the bar*

Bar: “put me down”

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope