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Pop culture reference + sardonic twist + weed + beer + adderall + cluster c personality disorder = a night to remember

Clavicular stopped by my house and I completely forgot how I was going to say “look who the cat dragged in” to him. I just sat there, unable to move or speak (he offered me a LemonZest LUNA bar laced with neurotoxins 🤦‍♀️).

If Clavicular ever stops by my house I’m hitting him with a “look who the cat dragged in” and “you look tired.”

dropping a sack of harvested souls at my girlfriend’s feet like a dead mouse

im harvesting your soul for chill and reasonable reasons

ironically pissing on the couch

if we make a funny enough name for trump, we can defeat fascism. drumf was sooooooo fucking close

During her testimony, Pam Bondi pulled out a slingshot and slung pebbles at the fourth wall screaming “die democrats die!” Luckily, her aim was off and the pebbles ended up outside, where they were pecked off the ground by Kash Patel, whose food pouch at the base of his neck is impacted.

a close up of a cartoon character with a yellow hair and a red and white dress . ALT: a close up of a cartoon character with a yellow hair and a red and white dress .

i forgot to take my dog on a walk this morning and he sent me this cringe gif

the amount of suffering that went into creating this object is just right

a burger so juicy and hydrating you throw your diet coke away

Nice life you’ve built. Be a shame if it was a result of random forces you retrospectively narrativized

doing ballistics analysis on spongebob

I’m naming my dog something unknown to mankind

I’m doing an interesting and funny joke when I eat chicken tenders and milk at 3am.

popping a cultural signifier like a zit

when bae has nine holes but your cart is low on fuel and you only have a putter

Love like soccer.
Laugh like football.
Fuck like golf.

Newsflash! Lisa Simpson can be wielded as a mace! There should be enough ideas there to fuel a couple more seasons.

Slamming down a brew or two on this chair and waiting for the undressing man my wife picked to ask me how I’m doing (very good!)

Convincing all my homies to start dieting before the pizza shows up so I can eat more than my fill.

I ordered so much food from uber eats I thought it was a human when I opened the door.

🙏🙏🙏

My neighbors called the cops on me because I dusted off my open air burger collection and gobbled them down while crying/screaming loudly. I had no choice as my doordash account was suspended for inviting the drivers in to eat with me and then only giving them two to three sips of my drink.

everything hurts but thats none of my business

everything hurts but im sure its nothing

ah. sorry 😞

oh so you’re chopped and also possibly unc?

Your body is all sorts of fucked up. It looks impossible to operate properly. Are you perchance really old?

the human body can turn from normal to completely fucked up within just one lifetime