Fake Dispatch

If we do a regime change in Cuba for them killing people in a boat, can we get it done for other administrations that have done the same thing?

What the hell am I going to wear when it gets too warm for my quarter zip pullovers?

Don’t you also love people who misuse “apart” and “a part”? Like when they say “I love being apart of this team!”

I'm getting to the age where I don't care enough about new things to remember them, I'm forgetting all the things I already knew, and anything I do think I remember is suspect.

When the words "a" and "part" are together, they mean separate, but when they are separate, they mean together.

NOON GOD!
WE WERE OBEDIENT WHEN BURIED IN SNOW.
WE BEGGED FOR YOUR HEALING AND COMFORTING SIREN.
NOW THE SUN SHINES.
NOW THE SNOW MELTS.
AND WE BECOME COMPLACENT.
DO WE NEED TO BE TAUGHT ANOTHER LESSON?
FOOLS!
NOON GOD IS SILENT.

The Seattle Seahawks are now one of only seven teams to have exactly two more Superbowl wins than the Cleveland Browns.

I want to hear the phrase, "Downright balmy," at least five times today.

We need a Twilight Zone episode where people wake up and have become their Al cartoon portraits.

Good News: It's going to get warmer!
Bad News: The Earth is plummeting into the sun
Ohioans: Fuck yeah!

Ohio, all we need to do is stay in our homes for 14 days and all this will be over.

The groundhog saw his shadow, they just didn't have the heart to tell us.

Welcome to Second January!

photo of Text that says Trump explains that representative ilhan Omar probably paid someone to squirt liquid on her because that's how he gets it done.

NOON GOD!
PREPARE US FOR THE DOOM THAT IS AND THE DOOM THAT COMES.
WE NEED YOUR GUIDANCE.
BUT WE NEED TO GUIDE OURSELVES.
WE FAIL.

I'm seeing a lot of Indiana University sweatshirts today and most look dusty with clothes hanger bumps on the shoulders.

Any idea where can I buy the Rhinegeist NA? Not sure I've seen them at the Kroger.

The first rule of Dry January is everyone talks about their Dry January.

30 days has September, April, June and November.
All the rest have 31, except for dry January which has 16.

Dry January has taught me that I do not have a problem with drinking; other people have a problem with me not drinking.

Trump just threatened to make Puerto Rico part of the United States.

I am aware that Kevin Durant passed Wilt
Chamberlain on career
scoring list, I just need to know what kind of scoring they are talking about.

Good news! Ohio State is undefeated in 2026.

To all the people last year who said that they'd rather beat Michigan than win the National Championship, how are you feeling now?

NOON GOD!
THERE ARE THE MOST VILE PERSONS AMOUNTS US.
THEY PREACH ONE THING AND DO ANOTHER.
THEY ARE ANGRY.
THEY HURT OTHERS TO FIT THEIR TERRIBLE PLANS.
YOUR SIREN CANNOT PIERCE THEIR IDIOCY.
BUT WE MUST OPPOSE THEM.

2025: He who will not be named
2026: He who I am saving a special bottle to drink when he is dead

Holiday Sale! Circumcisions: half-off!

Let's kill two birds with one stone:
Avatar: Megalopolis

You have a few more hours to kick the bucket and still make the 2025 NYE Memorial videos. Don't be an asshole and die at 4pm on the 31st.

Oh Christ... they are trying to prep Vance to run in 2028. I hope Trump doesn't find out that he's not getting a 3rd term.