Candy Elliott

Heroes (David Bowie acoustic cover) YouTube video by Half a Person

from the archives: because what the hell anymore:

youtu.be/8w6nP4wGbTs?...

The amount of times I’ve panicked looking for my phone while it’s literally in my hand is embarrassing.

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

If some people are born on third base, I was born in the Ticketmaster queue

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"

Me on my first day as a mortician

I get why frozen yogurt shops shut down during the pandemic. But why did they stop shipping it to grocery stores? It's a ploy by Big Ice Cream to make me Buy Bigger Pants

Her: I heard you had a medical incident

Me: It was a fib

Her: I'm just telling you what I heard

If she were still alive, the acclaimed British actress I would most wish to clear my driveway is Joan Plowright.

A pile of mannequin arms.

Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer

Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?

Publisher: It needs more characters.

Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

The doctor told my husband he could stand to gain a few pounds, and I gained 10 pounds just from overhearing the conversation.

You cannot keep screaming “why aren’t Democrats impeaching him?” when Republicans control the House.

Impeachment starts in the House. The majority party decides what gets brought to a vote. Right now, that’s Republicans.

Be mad at the Republicans who are too scared to do their jobs.

The second you touch a check-in kiosk at a doctor’s office, your nose will start to itch. It’s science.

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

My husband hates when restaurants sing Happy Birthday, so I celebrate his birthday year-round.

Top five things I’d rather do than watch the State of the Union tonight:

1. Getting a root canal
2. Colonoscopy prep
3. Waiting at the DMV without an appointment
4. Passing a kidney stone
5. Food poisoning

more like state of The Onion amiright

has anyone said this?

Wife: *puts summer sausage in shopping cart*

Me: But you've barely touched my winter sausage!

SOTU? more like STFU

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Coworkers who get up, walk away, and leave their chair in the middle of the office- who hurt you? Because it's about to be me

empty wheelchair covered in parakeets

omg they even ate the bones

Sometimes I tell myself I deserve a little treat. And by “little treat,” I mean an entire sleeve of Thin Mints.

*ducks as you throw snowballs at me*

It’s 80 in Los Angeles today. I don’t know how I survive winter.

If you turn on your blinker and I slow down and wave you in, get over. I’m not out here handing out courtesy for sport. Don’t make me regret being a good person for 30 seconds.

Reposting because the universe proved my point. Looking at you, RFK Jr.

The older I get the lower my car feels.