We are ruled by a small Christofascist minority who gleefully traffic in death and destruction just so they can enrich themselves while trying to distract us from the fact that their leader is a prolific child rapist. Also we need more bread so I guess I have to go shopping.
—Life
I’m just glad congress isn’t alive to see this
I feel like I made this dumb bit a year ago but we finally aired it last night. Enjoy some people with unfortunate names
One of these is a joke I made a week ago. The other is real life. Boy that gap is shrinking fast.
My God he has to have every award. #Westminster
Shit I’m too late, what’s he cost now?
Congress must be rolling in its grave
It’s always, “Sir, your fly’s down,” never “Sir, your fly’s up.” Let’s try to be more positive this year, yeah? Thanks
Come here, big tits...
If Life Was Different By One Letter
#Art
If life was different by one letter
Goddamit. The exact plot of DIE HARD just happened to me. So annoying.
“I’d sure like to slide down that gullet and get turned into piss.”
— Water when it sees me, I hope
“I remember when I got my first one, my father - who was also a chef - reminded me: You never wash these. Soak it a bit, but no soap. Let all that grease, spice, the odd sticky spots from who knows what at this point - let it all stay and just keep using it. Trust me.”
-Thomas Keller, on dildos.
Fuck.
How could I have been so blind?
#EpsteinFiles
If LL Cool J has taught us anything it’s that LL Bean stands for:
Ladies Love Bean
This is also true for sandwiches.
“J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets!”
— Saddam Hussein’s last words
Q: How comfortable are you w/Trump seeking to eat children?
MIKE JOHNSON: Uh, I don’t know the details. I just read it. I know he believes he’s owed a flesh sacrifice. What I heard is that if he eats them, he’s gonna consider giving the bones to a dog. They attack him for everything.*changes topic*
Q: How comfortable are you w/Trump seeking to eat children?
MIKE JOHNSON: Uh, I don’t know the details. I just read it. I know he believes he’s owed a flesh sacrifice. What I heard is that if he eats them, he’s gonna consider giving the bones to a dog. They attack him for everything.*changes topic*
Please join my class action lawsuit against this site which - despite its name - does not feature a single present for a whore.
When they pick who gets to write the article by last name
IMPORTANT: Remember when filling out your Antifa Time Cards to include Saturday - we get double time for weekend work (woohoo thanks daddy Soros!).
Nope. Just like Stephen Miller’s pants, the White House needs no ballroom
Maybe this is nothing... or maybe it's everything. #2001 #KubrickOriginalEnding
One of my favorite things we’ve done these past few years
We do this bit literally every week on
@jimmykimmellive.bsky.social
- but it was great hearing the massive audience at BAM in Brooklyn respond. Also this one turned out pretty good so, if you like this sort of thing, please to enjoy. #UnnecessaryCensorship
I guess take legal action, you have to. But remember, Trump does not give a single shit about the law. To him it’s like a wife or a golf course…
…just another thing to be cheated on.
shorturl.at/p1Qs1
#EpsteinFiles
