filth_waste

i only use chatGPT for legal and medical advice

1-877-KARS4KIDS none of these singers are children, they are the souls of children trapped inside donated car stereos and they have a hunger

nobody has ever thrown a surprise party for me, too dangerous

Hello based department??!? (solemnly removes hat) there’s been a terrible accident…

i think all the new pokemon are s̶e̶x̶u̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶r̶a̶c̶t̶i̶v̶e̶ pretty cool

Some diggety lots of doubt

i know why the caged bird sings (horny)

normal road
take me home
one that’s not
bumpy as shit

Olympics are fine but nothing beats the thrill of watching the map with the little car carrying my pizza

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

[updating my dating profile]
Just an old rolling stone who rolled over the hill

"You make me happy" I say to my wife, a giant cheeseburger.

every charismatic celebrity i see is either a personal friend or enemy

Can't, redecorating my crying cave

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

i'd never live in europe i don't think i could wake up that early

I am looking for 12k friends :)

hey what’s going on everybody from first we feast i’m sean evans and you’re watching hot ones it’s the show with hot questions and even hotter wings and today i’m joined by luigi mangione

This is absolutely not where I saw myself 5 years ago

it would be great if every single goddamned thing didn't follow inexorably from the last

i didn’t go on my morning run today. i place the blame squarely on my political enemies

getting divorced sucks because i have no job and no car / getting divorced is fucking awesome because i don’t have to pretend to cum to make him feel good at sex anymore

the human brain was designed to be good at karate

First world problems? pssh this ain't the first world

I'm just saying if you build a life-size model of a wooly mammoth it would be really cool of you to let me hotbox it

there's this video where this little kid is running down a hill, hits the side of a car, impact makes a huge sound, kid falls down, and yells, "i'm okay!"

so anyway, I'm okay. are you okay?

Yeah, sorry i'm late - been trying to explain the concept of time to my cat

service writer at the car shop had the nose hair of Luigi Mangione’s eyebrows

thinking about doxxing and then swatting myself to teach myself a lesson for winning at solitaire

you can actually kiss using other body holes and it’s just as romantic