Niki

I act very mature for someone who was just yelling chicken jockey with a bunch of kids in the movie theater

Lying on the couch and my dog is sitting on my butt. Or as I like to call it the iron throne

I’m not mature enough for this life

Every time I wear a floral shirt I have this need to get a parrot and complete my Ace Ventura look

Facebook marketplace. Can’t turn down a good deal just because I MIGHT get murdered

We are the generation that explains to our kids the dangers of the internet meanwhile we buy things from total strangers on Facebook marketplace

✌🏼

-I don’t drink I don’t smoke
-How do you deal with anxiety then?
-I’m neck deep into dark romance novels

I’ll race any five year old who thinks they’re faster than me just because they got new shoes.

Cop: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
Me: NEVER
Cop: THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE
Me: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
Cop:
Me:
Cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
Me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

ADHD: because that thing that took 27 days to start, took 27 minutes to finish.

Wore a racer back bra today. Felt like a athlete.

no such thing as an ethical billionaire

I wonder if anyone has ever stolen my identity just to realize there’s nothing there to work with?

Sorry, I didn’t answer your text. I knew you wanted a favor.

Answer every question with ugh and win a trip to SuperLazy land where we can meet up and high five

That special place in hell it’s me singing to you nonstop

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a secure psychiatric unit.

I'm no hippie but I think we should only use social media for joy, love and subpar butthole jokes.

I need Severance but for the gym.

When I send you reels watch all of them cause I’m gonna quiz you later

Oh this thing i carried for 9 months? Idk its kevin I guess

I’m at my most badass when I pick up stuffed animals in stores that have fallen on the ground and put them back with their friends.

😇

😬

my favorite spa treatment is the one where i lie down in the forest and let the moss and mushrooms take me