Benny Boy

Establish dominance by letting mall Santa sit on your lap.

back when i was your age, all our times were precedented, and we liked it.

Can’t believe I’ve never crashed a sports car in the English countryside.

if you can't Handel the Liszt of ways I get my Rachmaninov's on my Bach, you don't deserve the Debussy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re having a bad day and feeling depressed, always know that I’m here to offer my guidance & perspective & inevitably make the situation 100x worse

Being an adult is just having a favorite spatula and being angry when it's dirty.

People who say 'just be yourself' obviously haven't met me.

I like my work boots. But their hardened soles make me sound like a femme fatale walking down a long hallway full of shadows and smoke and intrigue.

friends, always remember that every day is a gift, even if you didn’t really want it, you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t get a gift receipt, and now you’re stuck with it until you throw it away or die 🌞

Spotify wrapped, but it’s a recap of all the porn you watched this year.

2014: Eat organic

2024: Eat this pill you found on the floor

I don’t want to go to work tomorrow.

-Everyone daily

Boss: get to work

Me: whoa, I thought I was at work

Kickin’ it with my favorite dude.

It was when she called me a rural simpleton that I knew I would have to look up both those words.

This day in history. 1993. The space shuttle Endeavor was launched on a mission to fix the Hubble Space Telescope by turning it off and on.

Paying a hooker to find me a more attractive hooker

Damn!

*seeing a like notification* come on and reskeet it motherfucker

the next man I deem worthy of putting his Willy in my Wonka will win a golden ticket to my chocolate factory. it's on my Charlie Bucket list.

Of course I'm a porn account...

food porn

I'm not ready for this week.

You know they make the blenders loud so you can't hear the fruit screaming.

The fun in funeral comes from at least one attendee yelling IS IT CAKE

Hey boy I'm digging the hypochondriac energy you're bringing to the urgent care

To be next to you, that's where