so you’re saying amelia earhart survived her crash & then was eaten by crabs are you insane

I say happy birthday a lot for someone that is diametrically opposed to all birth.

Tariffs killed my Sea-Monkeys.

Every night, I sneak my giant mythical bird into a different neighbor’s house that it may rest & arise with the dawn to carry the sun back into the sky.

i have a tattoo of my whole body tattooed on my whole body

The lions, tigers, wolves, bears, rhinos, leopards, and chimps got out. We don't really have a plan but we're confident it'll be ok.

i contain exactly one multitude

my mouth, it foams for thee

you always wanted to see the painted desert, go there to meet god or oblivion

don’t forget to destroy your clocks tonight, walk away from your mortgage, just start driving, you’re free

Moved my sundial’s gnomon ahead and lost an hour of hunting and foraging time.

Avocado trim!

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

Wet ghost contest

You expect cis people to care about places that are against their own existence? Sorry if I don't care about places like Guantanamo Bay where I might get devalued for being myself.

Doomscrolling is the weaponization of literacy

A cat that eats lasagne you say, sounds as unlikely as an animal that can talk.
What? He can’t talk but we can see his thoughts! In a kind of cloud!
Just get out of here.

Lol, guy doesn’t have a “special relationship” with ANYONE, including his wives and families.

“I’ll tell ya one thing, whoever we choose to lead Iran better stop hurling missiles at us!”

I'm still monk, I say, breaking my vow of silence.

I wash my hair with shampoo because using realpoo would be disgusting

when shawty passionate for the lord >>>>

Your God is going to come to you in a vision to reveal a mystery, and before he does, I need you to hear my side of the story.

If you bomb somewhere and the regime doesn’t change a good thing to do is, like, bomb them again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

Optics.

@thedailybeast.bsky.social
www.thedailybeast.com/trump-hosts-...

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Love Spandau Ballet.
Well Kempt!

You live and you learn.
And what you learn makes you more depressed .

Just to be clear: I did that because I love dancing, not because you were shooting at my feet.