Listen, if you think losing ONE little hour of sleep is gonna ruin my weekend you are absolutely correct I hate it here

Fascinating what you all say you won't do and how quickly that shit flies out the window once a Klondike bar is mentioned.

tired of your heights wuthering all the time? these heights won't wuther guaranteed

me: *not doing crimes*

my government: *doing a ton of crimes*

me: (simple hand gesture) should i possibly be doing at least a small number of crimes?? ?

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

me: starfish

Scientist: not a fish

me: jellyfish

Scientist: not a fish

me: seahorse

Scientist: fish

Steinbeck: What did you think of my draft of 𝘖𝘧 𝘔𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘢𝘯?

Publisher: It needs more characters.

Steinbeck: I'll see what I can do.

*gently poking the social contract with a stick* hey are you okay

I've seen enough. Clearly this experiment is working. It is time for a Michael C. Jordan.

could a dying empire do THIS

we have nothing to fear but fear itself and the ever growing all consuming sentient moss

they should have an escalator that leads you straight into the sea

Due to everything, I will not be doing anything at this time

ask your doctor if lying down in the forest to be consumed by the earth is right for you

Libby why would you think I still want to read the book I requested last September my god we’re not even the same people we were back then

Bert always gets all the neurodivergence recognition and personally I think that is Count erasure

sorry Pink Floyd, turns out that we needed education. a lot of it. all of the education, really

Whoever scheduled the fall of democracy in the midst of Genx perimenopause did not read the room.

pessimist: the glass is half empty

optimist: the glass is half full

optometrist: the glasses will be $700

This is one of the few things that is keeping me going

So it turns out they only let you use "forever" stamps once

Last time I voted, I brought every conceivable document with me (including my newly ordered marriage certificate) so they couldn’t deny me my right to vote. All they asked for was my driver’s license. Am still bringing my cache of documents every time.

if it’s been sitting under a heat lamp for more than an hour that’s not food anymore it’s a hostile alien life form

If you put a pair of glasses on a dog I will implicitly trust that dog to give me important mortgage advice

If I die, I want my remains to be scattered at the US Capitol. Do not cremate me.

A dachshund stands in a store, visible through glass doors marked with a "no dachshunds" graphic silhouette sign. The interior shows shopping carts and tiled flooring.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

this meeting could have been a collective primal scream

Everyone stay calm, I’ve got this
*hands out cheese*

To do what? Take more 5 year olds in bunny ears?!

In this current timeline, I had to check and see if this was an Onion headline.