howard 🦑

Me: Bro quit oozing

My slime friend: My fault

I heard from somebody that they put a curse on Lebron

My coworkers like to describe me as a “dominant force” in the office

Awakening my latent power but its low-key underwhelming

I need to spend a week in the mountains

The Rockets make me unreasonably angry

Are there any goblins at the function?

*at my 4 year old nephew’s basketball game, to the other parents* This team is worthless

Pumping hot slime into my tires

*pitching my idea to Shark Tank by starting off with an inspiring story* When I saw Boss Baby in theaters i knew i had to become an entrepreneur

Food has a long and nuanced history

Scientists have stopped studying me. “We’ve seen enough,” they said.

There are few things in the world

I’m so straight people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m gay. They say “Really? You? You’re gay? But you’re not really all that interesting?”

Wife wont stop eating our kids. We’re on our 54th child. I’ve learned to not even give them names at this point in fear or growing attached

Mom says to not go near the bottomless hole with a sign next to it that says FREE HOT DOGS BELOW

Today’s special is Bug Soup

Scientists have revised the figure of ‘next 3 years’ to ‘forever’

“Today is an important day for monsters” - The Halloween Historian

Dr. Phil: Do you have any regret for what you did?

Me: The demon I summoned was a result of my mom taking away my electronics, if anything blame her for the destruction of the city

Thank you

All the climate disasters recently are my fault. It’s because I did a Butterfly effect; sorry

Bad way to view situation: You are stuck in traffic
Better way to view situation: Your car is in line for the exit

Q: What to do when you walk into public bathroom and see glowing bathroom stall

A: Back away slowly, do not make any loud noises

Hey, I couldn't help but notice there’s this big ball of light in the air. and all this blue around it

(phone notification) Reminder: Your enemies could attack at any moment

Halloween might last for the next 3 years scientists say

Another reason why we need universal healthcare

My father suffered a horrible slime accident